More dealings with the devil

Quick backstory:

I find out today that my boss redirected almost a half million dollars in loan business that I had brought in to not only a different employee but a different branch altogether. You see, I'm covering at a branch which is not my regular branch therefore any business I do out there is attributed to that branch. My boss doctored the loan files to reflect origination from HER branch and HER FSR (Financial Services Rep).

Somehow I mananged to send an e-mail that didn't completely reflect my immense amount of disgust:

Ms. [name removed]:

It has recently come to my attention that the above referenced HELOC that I keyed in and originated was recently transferred from my name and employee number to [employee's name removed] by you.

It has also come to my attention that you have been contacting my client and “apologizing for [greeneyes] dropping the ball” on his loan and informing him that “[greeneyes] has left the bank”.

Allow me to remind you that I most certainly do still work for this bank and in no way, shape, or form have I dropped the ball with this client. In fact, I have been working very hard and diligently on this loan as well as the relationship with this client, a relationship which I have been cultivating for months. It is hardly fair to roguely decide that another employee at a completely different branch should receive credit for the immense amount of hard work I have put forth.

Not only is it unfair, it is unethical as well. Please allow me to remind you that the following is found in the [Bank's name removed] Code of Business Conduct and Ethics, which every employee is given at the time of their hire:

"The books, records, and accounts of [banks' name removed] must accurately and fairly reflect the company's transactions and operations."

I have since corrected your flagrant act and changed the loan to correctly reflect both my name and cost center. Your actions are an example of blatant disregard for ethical and professional behavior and I want to assure you that this is not the last time we will be discussing this subject.

The kicker is, since she didn't bother to show up for work today, it may be awhile before she receives and responds.

/rant

Genius in Disguise

"What day is today?"

"Tuesday, the 25th."

"I mean the whole thing... what month is it?"

"Um, October."

"Is it still 2005?"

"Yes, sir, it is October 25th, 2005."

"Month ten?"

"Are you being serious or just yanking my chain?"

"People like me aren't concerned with dates so we lose track of time easily."

"People like who?"

"Computer programmers."

"Really, I never would have guessed. Kind of explains Y2K, huh?"

Excerpts

This is from a letter I received from a client (it should be noted that said client, when he was declined a loan, wrote on the walls of the bathroom in my branch IN HIS OWN FECES that I was a bitch):

I have TRIED to borrow money. According to my record, the prospective lenders ALL X SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yester day I saw [name removed] XX at [business name removed], at [address removed]. I told her that I was recently ROBBED of OVER $200.00. This money, once I press charges will be RETURNED TO ME. The CULPRET will be VERY MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!! I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!! YES INDEED, I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What MUST BE DONE.

Later on he goes on to tell me about how he tries to form relationships with children:

I talk to BOYS (but they do not come back). So, NOW I WILL TRY TO TALK WITH GIRLS. I will now talk with girls. I will talk about what the past 20 years holds for us. The next 1 to 3 years will be the END OF CIVILIXATION (as we perceive it). Pat will tell us OVER THE NEXT little time (the 700 CLUB) will bring us up to date &explain to millions of women (who are listening to him) the rapid realization of what is going to happen to ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!

But hey, at least I got my own write up on the bathroom wall.

Take your unprofessional bullshit and shove it

I don't understand how in the world of corporate business the incompetent, unprofessional morons seem to flourish. How is it that a grown woman of thirty-two who dresses like a prostitute with her tits hanging out, can't spell to save her life, acts like she's never been taught grammar, and e-mails colleagues shitty-ass e-mails about how they are worthless never gets fired? I mean really, how does upper management see this as a good business practice?

On the other hand, she is a shinging example of what you can get a way with. Just think of what I could aspire to be: an unprofessional bitch who comes in hungover at 11:30 (if she bothers to show up at all), leaves at 2:30, tells clients they are taking up all of her time, treats staff members like they are the lowest of the lowest class, and makes $60,000 a year.

This woman gives women in business a bad name. Quite honestly, I would rather work for all men any day... and I'm a woman! There, I've said it, now let the stoning commence.

/rant

Gangsta Barbie Bitch

Bridget and I met in junior high which proved to be one of the most awkward and confusing times in my life. I had just moved to Indiana from Chicago where I attended a grade school with classes the size of the sum of all students in the junior and senior high school I was now attending. I quickly learned that in a small town, everyone knows everything.

At thirteen you hardly know who you are, let alone who you want to hang out with and be friends. Everyone is trying to fit in and be "cool" and yet no one can define "cool." Bridget wasn't cool or punk or preppy or right or wrong. Bridget was Bridget. She was also one of the few people who talked to the new girl from Chicago - which may or may not have played a part in us being friends. ;-)

As the years passed, we grew up, we grew closer, we grew apart, we made midnight drive-bys at the homes of girls who caused our boyfriends to break up with us and break our hearts, we lived together but most importantly we always had each other. Now that I've moved and married and life seems to be going at warp speed, I sometimes find myself lost in thought over the simpler days. The days of being young and foolish but always having that best friend to pull you through anything.

To the woman who has been through it all and put up with it all, happiest of birthdays, my love. And Fidel Castro so totally wants a piece of your hot ass.

Ten Things I Know...

...about my husband:

1. He is one of the most generous, caring people I know
2. But that doesn't mean he can't annoy the hell out of me
3. It doesn't matter what you are talking about, he will always be distracted by two things: Anything Volvo related and cycling
4. His eyes light up like a kid with candy at Christmas if you say the words "blow job" or "shaved pussy"
5. You can trust him with any secret
6. Just not knives
7. He is an excellent cook
8. But my god, the man could out-spice Emeril
9. He likes fire and almost burnt down his house... on our third date
10. He adores the bejesus out of me

Turns out...

...NASCAR is pretty much the same in person as it is on TV, except for the whole drunken, hillbilly factor.

A bunch of cars go around a bunch of times on a track owned by people with a bunch of money. The end.

Oh, and as a little FYI from me to you, if you see a man dressed like a cop standing around with other men dressed as cops, they are not cops. They are lazy assholes off-duty police officers and for god's sake Tony Stewart just took the lead and no, they will not assist you with the drunkard spewing beer everywhere.

/rant

And they're off!

Or do they only say that in horse racing?

Either way, apparently I am to attend my first NASCAR race tonight. I'm not sure I've spent enough time in the sun burning the back of my neck for this but perhaps there could be some enjoyment.

The husband, henceforth known as L, asked me if I owned any earplugs... uh, yes I do, let me pull them out of my ass. Though considering my boss, perhaps they wouldn't be a bad investment.

Details at eleven!

The Toeless Wonder

Note to self - do not let husband play with knives.

Time to go clean up blood, the perfect precursor to dinner.

Whiz-bang

What's better than working nine hours on your feet with no lunch only to leave your one office, drive in thirty minutes of rush hour traffic, arrive at your second office and work another two hours before finally heading to a fast-food restaurant for that healthy delicious meal you've been craving all day?

The asswipe in the gold minivan with no less than eight "Support Our Troops" ribbons/stickers/blatant propoganda who can't merge to save her life let alone drive the speed limit. The fantastic thing about this country is that it's free, so rock on with your bad self and all your adhesive, clingy shit things but for god's sake if you are going to bring so much attention to your car's ass then learn how to drive.

/rant

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!

What is up with women and the word "ma'am"? Three times today - count them, THREE! - I was told by a woman that it is "disrespectful" (well, technically one of them told me it was "irrespectful" but whatever) to call her ma'am. Disrespectful? When did this happen? I was raised to be a lady and that included the phrases "no, ma'am," "yes, ma'am," "no, sir," and, my father's favorite, "yes, sir." Please excuse my upbringing if I dare be so "irrespectful" in public to you, your highness.

You know, I could call you a cuntrag and then everyone would feel disrespected. Great, now I've used the c-word... there went that lady-like upbringing.

/rant