Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Being Hormonal and Judgemental
After my second miscarriage, it was hard for me to see other pregnant mommies and not feel jealous and guilty. Going into my OB's office for weekly check ups and blood draws didn't help the matter much as inevitably there would always be at least one pregnant mommy in the waiting room - such is the peril of going to an OB's office.
While that feeling of jealousy diminished over time, it never really went away as far as some pregnant mommies were concerned. I can remember being at the checkout counter at the grocery with Mr. L almost two months after our miscarriage and the cashier was in high school, unmarried, talking about catching her boyfriend with a cheerleader and quite pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and cursed such an unfair world for allowing someone who couldn't even support herself let alone a child to carry to term. I could provide a baby with a loving home, I could provide a mommy AND a daddy, I could do all of those things and more except actually stay pregnant long enough to have a child. Obviously, I was quite emotional and rationality was something with which I struggled.
Today, despite being pregnant, I felt some of those same feelings creeping back in - but not for me. A close and dear friend of mine is beginning the process of infertility testing/treatment after a long, difficult process of trying to get pregnant and I just hurt so much for her. Here is an amazing woman who would make one kick-ass mom and a little piece of me crumbles when I see these girls bringing children into the world that they didn't plan and can't afford. Just to rub more salt in the wound, tonight on one of the pregnancy message boards I frequent there was a 19 year-old girl talking about how she is living with her boyfriend, can't afford to buy food, and wishes she had never become pregnant. It is all. I. can. do. not to snipe at this girl.
I realize in life there are things we cannot change, but damnit it can suck so hard sometimes.
While that feeling of jealousy diminished over time, it never really went away as far as some pregnant mommies were concerned. I can remember being at the checkout counter at the grocery with Mr. L almost two months after our miscarriage and the cashier was in high school, unmarried, talking about catching her boyfriend with a cheerleader and quite pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and cursed such an unfair world for allowing someone who couldn't even support herself let alone a child to carry to term. I could provide a baby with a loving home, I could provide a mommy AND a daddy, I could do all of those things and more except actually stay pregnant long enough to have a child. Obviously, I was quite emotional and rationality was something with which I struggled.
Today, despite being pregnant, I felt some of those same feelings creeping back in - but not for me. A close and dear friend of mine is beginning the process of infertility testing/treatment after a long, difficult process of trying to get pregnant and I just hurt so much for her. Here is an amazing woman who would make one kick-ass mom and a little piece of me crumbles when I see these girls bringing children into the world that they didn't plan and can't afford. Just to rub more salt in the wound, tonight on one of the pregnancy message boards I frequent there was a 19 year-old girl talking about how she is living with her boyfriend, can't afford to buy food, and wishes she had never become pregnant. It is all. I. can. do. not to snipe at this girl.
I realize in life there are things we cannot change, but damnit it can suck so hard sometimes.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Dear...
Stupid Yankee New Yorker Bitch in My Childbirth Class:
You're right, my child is not going to love me more because I choose not to have an epidural during labor and delivery. Little Bit will have no idea what that even means for many, many years to come nor will she understand the amount of energy, effort, and love that is put into making a birth plan for a pending delivery until she has children of her own, if she so chooses. In fact, by the time LB can understand all of that, she and I will have formed a bond that will be totally independent of whether or not I had an epidural. That relationship will be formed and based on the choices that I make as a parent, not the least of which will include decisions made for my family regarding their health and well being.
If your decision to have an epidural is because it's "available and why not" and is in no way based on any thorough research and long discussions with your spouse, then you are the fool and not I. My health and the health of my baby will not be subject to societal whims simply because "everyone else is doing it." This pregnancy has been difficult enough already (what with almost losing the daddy, heart complications, and random bleeding just to name a few) and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that you have to arm yourself with as much information as possible and try to make the best choice possible for you, if not the most informed. I am in no way opposed to an epidural - it is a great option for many women, it just isn't the best option for me.
And yes, your accent is fucking annoying.
Hugs and kisses,
greeneyes
You're right, my child is not going to love me more because I choose not to have an epidural during labor and delivery. Little Bit will have no idea what that even means for many, many years to come nor will she understand the amount of energy, effort, and love that is put into making a birth plan for a pending delivery until she has children of her own, if she so chooses. In fact, by the time LB can understand all of that, she and I will have formed a bond that will be totally independent of whether or not I had an epidural. That relationship will be formed and based on the choices that I make as a parent, not the least of which will include decisions made for my family regarding their health and well being.
If your decision to have an epidural is because it's "available and why not" and is in no way based on any thorough research and long discussions with your spouse, then you are the fool and not I. My health and the health of my baby will not be subject to societal whims simply because "everyone else is doing it." This pregnancy has been difficult enough already (what with almost losing the daddy, heart complications, and random bleeding just to name a few) and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that you have to arm yourself with as much information as possible and try to make the best choice possible for you, if not the most informed. I am in no way opposed to an epidural - it is a great option for many women, it just isn't the best option for me.
And yes, your accent is fucking annoying.
Hugs and kisses,
greeneyes
LUAU!!
October 27th and we finally have heat! As Mr. L and I moved into the house in the late spring, we never had a reason to turn the heat on and therefore we had no idea that we had GAS HEAT and needed to call the GAS COMPANY to have it turned on.
So when we finally went to use our heat in the first week of October, imagine our surprise when it didn't work - and by surprise I mean witness the deathly scowl of a six-month pregnant chick who is cold.
Of course the GAS COMPANY cannot immediately send someone out, nooooo. They make you wait a week, during which time you learn the very fine art of piling on shirt, after shirt, after sweater, after sweater, after blanket (much like this dude) in a sad attempt to stay warm - and no, piling on extreme amounts of clothing is not conducive to moving around. After said week has passed, the GAS COMPANY is a no show and when you call to see what the hell happened because hello! we're fucking cold over here, they tell you the earliest they can dispatch someone is the following week.
I actually started looking forward to going to work so I could thaw out. *shudder*
So when we finally went to use our heat in the first week of October, imagine our surprise when it didn't work - and by surprise I mean witness the deathly scowl of a six-month pregnant chick who is cold.
Of course the GAS COMPANY cannot immediately send someone out, nooooo. They make you wait a week, during which time you learn the very fine art of piling on shirt, after shirt, after sweater, after sweater, after blanket (much like this dude) in a sad attempt to stay warm - and no, piling on extreme amounts of clothing is not conducive to moving around. After said week has passed, the GAS COMPANY is a no show and when you call to see what the hell happened because hello! we're fucking cold over here, they tell you the earliest they can dispatch someone is the following week.
I actually started looking forward to going to work so I could thaw out. *shudder*
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Lessons in Zoology
We just keep acquiring more and more wildlife. Today I rescued a puppy that some asshole just threw away, and look how cute she is! How can people do that?
She doesn't have a name as of yet, but we keep referring to her as either "Puppy" or "Sweet Pea." L and I are taking Sweet Pea to the local animal rescue that I've adopted dogs from in the past (a no-kill shelter) so they can get her all set up with shots and some antibiotics for a wound she has on her flank. Then it looks we'll be her foster parent for about a week after which they expect to have a kennel opened up for her.
The dog is a total and complete sweetheart, just as loving and docile as could be - how can people just dispose of animals that way? Unbelievable.
She doesn't have a name as of yet, but we keep referring to her as either "Puppy" or "Sweet Pea." L and I are taking Sweet Pea to the local animal rescue that I've adopted dogs from in the past (a no-kill shelter) so they can get her all set up with shots and some antibiotics for a wound she has on her flank. Then it looks we'll be her foster parent for about a week after which they expect to have a kennel opened up for her.
The dog is a total and complete sweetheart, just as loving and docile as could be - how can people just dispose of animals that way? Unbelievable.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Stressed
I don't think my husband wants to have sex with me anymore.
I can't believe I'm putting this out into the Innerbunny (as Michelle would call it), but there you have it. I am fully admitting that I am whining here and yes, there are more important things to be stressed about in the world - I get it. Unfortunately knowing that makes me neither less stressed nor less whiny.
Obviously I understand L's lack of desire recently because let's face it, I'm 15 pounds heavier than I used to be and just not a shining example of sexiness in my current pregnant state. It's not as if the man has ever even thought about looking at preggie porn or anything, so why would he be attracted to me? I just don't fit the status quo of his sexual desires these days, folks.
Now L tells me I'm beautiful on a regular basis and I believe him when he says that, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's attracted to this particular brand of "beautiful." I think most pregnant women are beautiful in a glowing, maternal way, but I would never look at one and think, damn, I could get with that. And yes, I have thought that about other women before so that isn't just from a same sex standpoint.
Another part of this equation is a certain ex-boyfriend who, after a year of dating, just decided he really wasn't that into sleeping with me anymore. Didn't know why, didn't think it had anything to do with me, just flat out wasn't interested anymore. So at this point in my life, I've taken two perfectly healthy, young, virile men and, for whatever reason, caused them to stop wanting to have sex with me.
It's a blow to my self esteem. *sigh*
So what is there to do? I've stopped coming on to L in the hopes that a little absence makes the heart grow fonder will spark some interest - but after a week of feigning disinterest, I've got nothing. No attempts made on his part and for fuck's sake, I can't even remember the last time we kissed. I've previously tried just jumping him but that resulted in a disastrous episode entitled "The One in Which L Tries Really, Really Hard to Come and Ends Up Doing So While Only Semi-Hard."
I thought the only reason you were supposed to be married when you're pregnant is so that there is someone legally bound to have sex with you. Apparently I was misinformed.
I can't believe I'm putting this out into the Innerbunny (as Michelle would call it), but there you have it. I am fully admitting that I am whining here and yes, there are more important things to be stressed about in the world - I get it. Unfortunately knowing that makes me neither less stressed nor less whiny.
Obviously I understand L's lack of desire recently because let's face it, I'm 15 pounds heavier than I used to be and just not a shining example of sexiness in my current pregnant state. It's not as if the man has ever even thought about looking at preggie porn or anything, so why would he be attracted to me? I just don't fit the status quo of his sexual desires these days, folks.
Now L tells me I'm beautiful on a regular basis and I believe him when he says that, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's attracted to this particular brand of "beautiful." I think most pregnant women are beautiful in a glowing, maternal way, but I would never look at one and think, damn, I could get with that. And yes, I have thought that about other women before so that isn't just from a same sex standpoint.
Another part of this equation is a certain ex-boyfriend who, after a year of dating, just decided he really wasn't that into sleeping with me anymore. Didn't know why, didn't think it had anything to do with me, just flat out wasn't interested anymore. So at this point in my life, I've taken two perfectly healthy, young, virile men and, for whatever reason, caused them to stop wanting to have sex with me.
It's a blow to my self esteem. *sigh*
So what is there to do? I've stopped coming on to L in the hopes that a little absence makes the heart grow fonder will spark some interest - but after a week of feigning disinterest, I've got nothing. No attempts made on his part and for fuck's sake, I can't even remember the last time we kissed. I've previously tried just jumping him but that resulted in a disastrous episode entitled "The One in Which L Tries Really, Really Hard to Come and Ends Up Doing So While Only Semi-Hard."
I thought the only reason you were supposed to be married when you're pregnant is so that there is someone legally bound to have sex with you. Apparently I was misinformed.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Yay! No more fumes!
Well, I had a whole post typed up and ready to roll but somehow managed to delete it. So instead of witty commentary, you just get pictures as I no longer feel like typing it all out again.
Voila! I give you House of R - now in Technicolor!
Voila! I give you House of R - now in Technicolor!
Bathroom
Master Bedroom
Hallway
Entryway
Living Room
Kitchen 
Sunroom / Dog Room
And yes, I am flash-challenged when it comes to operating a camera.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I'll take toxic fumes for a thousand, Alex
So Mr. L and I are painting the house, and by we I mean he is and I'm trying to not inhale too many paint fumes.
I went a teensy bit crazy with the colors and was worried that L wouldn't like them, but they look fabulous. At this point we have five rooms down and one to go, nevermind the fact that the last room is going to be a bitch because of the cathedral ceilings and really should count as two.
I'll post pictures after everything has been painted (including trim and crown moulding - blech) and the house is clean again.
I went a teensy bit crazy with the colors and was worried that L wouldn't like them, but they look fabulous. At this point we have five rooms down and one to go, nevermind the fact that the last room is going to be a bitch because of the cathedral ceilings and really should count as two.
I'll post pictures after everything has been painted (including trim and crown moulding - blech) and the house is clean again.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Breathe Much?
Seen over at hey freak!: World Record for Most T-Shirts Worn at One Time.
Seriously, my shit would flip from claustrophobia.
*shudder*
Seriously, my shit would flip from claustrophobia.
*shudder*
Monday, October 02, 2006
I think it's time to break out the Old English...
...and dust this puppy off. :o)
I'm not even going to try to catch up on the past, oh, seven months that I've let this thing rot but I will bring y'all up to speed on the most important things:
1. Bought a house
2. Old house is broken into on THE DAY we are moving out
3. Rear-ended on the freeway while driving up to see my parents in Delaware
4. Came back from Delaware, found out we're pregnant
5. Much freaking out ensued
6. Mr. L is out on a training ride for a charity cycling event and is hit by a truck
7. Even more freaking out ensued
8. Dropped to part-time at work in order to take care of L (currently known as Broken Hip Boy™ or Hobbes)
So yeah, my summer has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Hopefully now that I'm working a little less - ok, who am I kidding? I'll be working the same amount if not more, just not in an actual "office" - I can keep up with this thing a little better... but no promises. :)
I'm not even going to try to catch up on the past, oh, seven months that I've let this thing rot but I will bring y'all up to speed on the most important things:
1. Bought a house
2. Old house is broken into on THE DAY we are moving out
3. Rear-ended on the freeway while driving up to see my parents in Delaware
4. Came back from Delaware, found out we're pregnant
5. Much freaking out ensued
6. Mr. L is out on a training ride for a charity cycling event and is hit by a truck
7. Even more freaking out ensued
8. Dropped to part-time at work in order to take care of L (currently known as Broken Hip Boy™ or Hobbes)
So yeah, my summer has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Hopefully now that I'm working a little less - ok, who am I kidding? I'll be working the same amount if not more, just not in an actual "office" - I can keep up with this thing a little better... but no promises. :)
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