Oh. Dear. God.

Peace Symbol Equals Sign to Drop Bombs on Iraq

Honestly, I don't care what side of the fence you sit on regarding the war in Iraq, terrorism, or what have you, this is taking it too far. The woman cannot hang a peace sign Christmas wreath because it is considered "divisive"? Or better yet, a "symbol of Satan"?

Grow the fuck up, dude.

Oh, and I love this little tidbit at the end regarding the HOA president:

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything.

Kearns fired all five committee members.

Yes, they're using logic, fire them all! Off with their heads!

Five Months Later

Now we're just waiting for word on the knee - hopefully we'll know something this Friday!

Clearly Bob Vila I Am Not

So last night, ten to two in the morning to be exact, our water heater decided it had had enough. And it's not as if it could just decide it was done and not work, no no, in the R household, things must go out with a bang.

So after a $1300 estimate from the plumber to replace the damned thing, L and I decide we will just head to Lowe's and install a new water heater ourselves. Surely our sanity is not worth $1300, no?

After returning from Lowe's a few hundred dollars poorer, L realizes he needs more items and asks me to return and get them. Now let me back up here for a second and relay to you the fact that I HATE going to the hardware store for items that L needs because a) I'm never really sure what the hell it is he's talking about and b) sometimes he isn't either, he just wants me to ask some customer service rep for help.

Soooooo, I trot on into the hardware store (and by trot I mean waddle because let's face it, I feel like I have a watermelon between my legs) and start hunting for a ninety-degree copper elbow and some copper piping to fit. L keeps telling me he needs everything to be 3/4" so this is what I'm picking up, though I'm beginning to wonder how the hell he is going to join this stuff together as it is all the same diameter.

"Um, I don't know how this fits together, L."

"Look for a coupling sleeve."

"Um, there isn't anything here marked "coupling sleeve," just "coupling" and it's all the same diameter, nothing fits into each other."

"Go ask for help."

*sigh*

And by sigh I mean, "I really wish you would get your ass down here and do this because even if I ask for help I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED SO HOW CAN I DESCRIBE IT??"

So along comes Joe, who is trying very hard to take the "customer service" out of Customer Service Representative.

"I need some kind of copper something to fit into this 3/4" elbow - my husband said I need a coupling sleeve... ?"

"There's no such thing."

"Ok, can you tell me how I'm supposed to make this copper pipe thingy fit into this elbow thingy?"

"That's a coupling."

"What's a coupling?"

"The "copper pipe thingy" you're holding."

"Ok, how do I make it fit into -- "

And without one word he takes the coupling away from me and hands me a 3/4" diameter piece of copper pipe which - VOILA! - fits perfectly.

"Oh, I gotcha. Sorry, I had no idea what my husband needed."

"If you have no idea, why isn't he here getting it then?"

Joe, I misjudged you. You are indeed a smart man.

Dear...

Wholesomely Cute Stockboy at Ace Hardware:

Thank you for asking me if I needed help as I tried to mire my way through the Black Friday crowd and then pulling up a lawn chair and offering to fetch all of my items for me as I "rested my feet." You really made my day just by recognizing the fact that I was tired and fighting my way through a sea of crazy Christmas shoppers just for one bottle of Lestoil (God's gift to laundry, by the way) wasn't exactly tops on my list of things to do today.

You're probably one of those boys who always calls his mother and plays a quick game of toss the pigskin with Grandpop every Sunday, aren't you?

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Genius In Disguise

As seen on a property listing:

Buy Now Before Price is Lowered!

If I posted, here's what it would look like...

OJ Simpson is a fucking dumbass. There, I said it. I know that to millions of people he is an icon, "The Juice" as it were, but to me he is a bona fide dumbass - either that, or a really big asshole. Who I am fooling? He's both.

"If I did it, here's how it happened"?? Are you kidding me? Save the dramatics and admit it already, you pantywaste. And for god's sake, if he didn't do it then he needs to keep his damned trap shut. I cannot imagine what the Brown/Goldman families must be going through with jughead hashing out details in both book and interview form.

Is OJ that hard up for money that he has to try and profit from such a tragedy? If nothing else, can he not think of his children whose mother was brutally murdered?

Seriously, what a douche.

I also have a good face for radio:

Ganked from the ever-lovely RegionBroad:

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The Inland North
The West
The Northeast
Philadelphia
Boston
North Central
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

30 Week Update

Weight gained so far? 22 pounds
How much of that went to your ass? 21 pounds
How much of that went to your breasts? 21 pounds
Are you still in possession of your ankles? Amazingly, yes.
Number of toilet paper squares it takes to encircle your belly? Nine
How long did it take you to heave yourself out of the tub this morning? Fifteen minutes.
How many times have you gotten stuck while trying on clothes at Destination Maternity? Twice
Would you say you are still in control of your emotions? Yes, of course. Why? Have people been saying something? Those bastards, who are they? I'LL STRANGLE THEM! PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! I'M IN COMPLETE CONTROL HERE!!

Weeee! Only ten-ish more weeks to go!

Ain't It Funny

So Mr. L is out of town tonight and so far it's been nothing but drama. First, I get back home from dropping him off and Bubbles decide she is going to play Bowling for Momma and bolt out of the door as soon as I open it and knock me flat on my ass. Then she decides she does not want to come back into the house and that momma is going to have to run her ass all over the neighborhood. Clearly, I was not off to a good start.

Second, after five and a half hours of not being in contact with L and three and a half hours after he was supposed to check into his hotel and call me, the panic sets in. So at 3:30 in the morning, I call the front desk to see if he has arrived and am told no. Calm down, he probably is stuck in traffic or something I tell myself. But it's 3:30 am, what kind of traffic could there possibly BE in Podunk, TN? Construction then I reassure myself - anything to help me retain sanity at this point. Finally, at 6:00 am, Tennessee Highway Patrol tracks L down, fast asleep in his hotel room at the EXACT SAME HOTEL THAT TOLD ME HE WASN'T THERE THREE HOURS PREVIOUSLY. Oh, and he checked in around 1:30 am. Brilliant.

Turns out, there is no cell reception in Podunk and the hotel phones won't let you dial out long distance. Not sure yet if the town is truly behind the times and does not have a payphone anywhere within its limits, but L was sleepy so I'll wait to quiz him on that tomorrow. Or today rather, as it were.

So I'm pissed. Actually, no, I'm physically ill from the worry AND pissed. As hell. And oddly enough, I'm not angry with L, I'm angry with my ex and myself. I'm angry that after two and a half years of a very one-sided relationship and serious late-night shenanigans, I immediately go into Freak the Fuck Out™ mode if someone doesn't contact me when they say they will.

You see, Ex used to be a professional drinker and at the time, I was holding down a more than full time job, so it wasn't as if I could drive his ass to every bar in town every night of the week. Well, every night except Sunday and Monday, unless there was a pitcher special going on somewhere. He would swear to me that he and his friends would have a designated driver or they would ride the bus home, but it never happened. He would come home, hours after he said he would be, stinking drunk and having driven himself. He had a penchant for drunk driving and like a selfish asshole, never bothered to think about the lives he was putting at risk - his own, other people on the road, the people he would potentially leave behind who would be shattered - for his own inebriation and stupidity.

And I just cannot let go of it all. L is completely different, he's caring and trustworthy and I have no reason to believe that he would ever be that careless or stupid. His reasons for not being able to contact me are perfectly legitimate and I believe him when he says he was worried about how worried he knew I would be. So even with all of that in mind, I still cannot let go of the past. I still cannot relax and I'm as much to blame for all of this stressed out bullshit as Ex is. It sickens me that a relationship centered around the selfishness of one person still affects the open, honest, loving, dedicated relationship I have with L.

So, after six hours of worry, extreme stress and positively NO sleep, I am off to bed.

Something Sinister Is Going On In My House

It started maybe five or six months ago, I would notice that items were misplaced around the house and then my dog Cami started following me everywhere as if protecting me against some unseen evil. The clues back then were subtle and I wasn't really picking up on the fact that something was wrong, it was more or less just a small annoyance that occurred every couple of days or so. Still, Cam would not leave my side and even went so far as to guard the bathroom door when I was showering and getting ready for work in the morning.

I suppose the presence in my house became more apparent when the little monster started messing with my clothes. One day, a blouse wouldn't fit quite the same, as if someone had shrunk it - but no, I always dry-cleaned that particular blouse so how could it have shrunk? Then a short time later, someone took in an inch or two from the waist of all of my pants. At first I thought it was funny, I mean, obviously this was not a mean spirit if the worst it would do was alter my clothing, right?

I was wrong. Not even a week later, it started poisoning my food. Everything I ate I would almost instantly vomit right back up. When I finally just gave up on eating, it resorted to tampering with my toothpaste so that every time I brushed my teeth I would gag and gag until finally I resolved myself to my fate and stuck my head in the toilet. At about the same time, the presence also emptied all of my perfume bottles and refilled them with a most foul smelling concoction that would send me racing to the bathroom.

All of this non-eating and throwing up was really taking a toll, I was more exhausted than I thought physically possible and yet somehow SOMEHOW! I had managed to gain weight. But then it dawned on me that no, the spirit had adjusted my scale! At this point I realized the spirit's trickery knew no bounds.

After a few weeks, the presence grew bored of playing with me and things returned to normal around my house - well, normal aside from the wide-angle mirrors it had left behind. I still can't seem to get those to return to the way they were before and show my true figure -all it shows is the most ridiculous bump around my midsection. But aside from that, life had returned to normal. I was finally able to sleep and eat like a decent human being, though Cami was still keeping a close eye on me.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, the spirit has returned. This time it swapped all of the shoes in my closet with those of someone with smaller feet! When I was getting ready for work this evening, it was almost impossible to wedge my feet into my shoes and that's when I realized - they were two sizes too small! Ooooh, you mean little spirit! Why must you torment me this way?

So that's that, I've had it. Mr. L and I are selling and getting as far away from this house as possible. Of course, it will probably take us a few months to sell and find something new, so I'm hoping by February I can be free of this presence.

A Not So Sweet Deal

So my OB called me yesterday and it turns out, I failed my gestational diabetes screening test. So apparently all of the effort I have put into eating healthy was a waste - I could have been eating french fries and ice cream this whole time, damnit!

In all honesty I have a feeling that my "slightly elevated" numbers are directly related to the fact that they tested me the day after Halloween. So thanks to the splurge I let myself have because I had been good all week and eaten mostly fruits and vegetables, I get to take part in the three hour glucose challenge tomorrow morning. This will involve drinking a sugar syrup concoction and then having multiple blood draws performed every hour - yay for the human pin cushion!

In other news, it appears there are now certain areas of my body that I am no longer able to see. Hopefully Mr. L will appreciate the lengths I went to in order to obtain optimum smoothness and reward accordingly, if you know what I mean.

How NOT to Sell Your House

Feature not one but TWO pictures of a transvestite:

Photo found on www.swelldwellings.com.

Hip Update

So it's been almost four and a half months since L's injury and all x-rays are coming up positive. L's been cleared for light duty at work which means that instead of going crazy at home doing nothing, he can go crazy at work dealing with idiots. Amazingly, he is looking forward to this.

While the report on the hip is great news, there was some not so great news regarding his knee. Since he put down the crutches about three weeks ago, L's been having pain in his left knee and some associated popping which the doctor says is more than likely torn cartilage. Since L's been on crutches for the past four months and therefore not using his knee joint at all, the possibility of torn cartilage has gone undetected. So we've started another waiting game - wait and see if the pain and popping goes away and if it doesn't, come back in a month for an MRI to see if the cartilage is torn. Then, depending on the significance of the injury, face the possibility of knee surgery.

So let's break down the time line on this one taking into consideration a worse-case scenario:

1. First week of December - go back for follow up knee visit
2. Sometime a week later - have an MRI
3. Find out L needs surgery
4. Christmas/Busiest time of the year for L as far as work is concerned
5. January - have baby
6. Tear out hair and gnash teeth

I am so ready for this all to end. I'm tired of being on tender hooks about L's condition - I want my husband back NOW. People, we have a baby on the way, when the hell are we supposed to deal with all of this AND get ready for that huge life-changing event? I have absolutely no idea how I am going to manage taking care of everything if L has surgery and is out of commission again - not with only twelve weeks left to go in this pregnancy. Sure, I had to do it all in June when L's accident first happened but I was only nine weeks pregnant and a hell of a lot more mobile.

When L's accident originally happened, we knew we were in for a long haul. We knew things would suck for a while and there would be stress, but I will be honest and say that I never for one second anticipated how far-reaching all of this would be. Stress about taking care of each other, stress about taking care of the house, stress about money, stress on our relationship, stress which lead to pregnancy complications, stress which lead to fights between the two of us, stress which affected how we handled daily activities and encounters... no amount of money that we may eventually settle for is worth what we have been through. If I could choose between all of this with a large cash settlement or none of it - I would choose our boring, ol' vanilla, normal life hands down.