All New Everything

I am officially no longer an employee of Sona MedSpa. I've got two new gigs that I'm excited about - one a part-time job for a huge, nationwide investment firm and the other a sales consultant gig for a friend's technology firm. Basically I'm working the part-time job until the technology firm takes off and becomes stable, consistent income at which point I'll be able to work from home.

Also, we are less than a month away from closing on our houses and I am VERY ready for that to be over. The purchasing experience has been great but the selling experience... let's just say it sucks hard. I'm going to be trying my best not to stick a pen in the eye of our buyer at closing.

Full Speed Ahead

Well, we sold our house - in five days. Luckily, we also found a house in that amount of time and our offer was (eventually) accepted.

So now Mr. L and I have five weeks to pack the house, with a month-old infant in tow, no less. I'm also returning to work this week, but will probably only be working at my current job for a few weeks. I'll expound more on that when all is said and done, if we ever get to that point.

I swear, we don't ever slow down around here. I am really hoping that once we move into the new house we can just chill the hell out for a while.

I'm worn out.

Genius In Disguise

Today I had a client forget her name and yes, this would be the same client who decided to pop four (!!) Valium in our lobby and then drive herself home.

Pam* was unsure if her name was Pam or Patty but she was pretty sure it wasn't Susan. While I wish I was kidding, you just can't make this shit up, folks. Maybe it was all that Valium or could it be she's had one too many laser zaps to the head? Either way, girlfriend needs to get a clue.

I think there should be some law of physics that once a certain amount of stupidity clusters in one general area, spontaneous combustion occurs. Shit, my hometown would be wiped clean off the map and I'm not sure too many people would mind.

As a good friend would say: They're only alive because it is illegal to kill them.


*Names have been changed to protect the deficient.

Overheard

Her: I think I'll leave a little landing strip...

Him: No, baby, really, get it all done

Her: You just want to pretend you're doing a twelve year old.

Him: No, I just don't need to floss twice a day.

Fire In the Hole

So today I had the process of laser hair removal on my bikini. My full bikini. As Joelle at Snappy Hour would say: the Porn Star.

The front of the bikini area wasn't bad at all but the taint and rectal area... let's just say there's nothing anyone can do or tell you to prepare you for having your asshole lasered. And to be honest, I'm not sure which is worse: the actual procedure or having it performed by one of your coworkers.

But in a few short months and after only five treatments, I'll never have to shave or wax ever again. And that to me is totally worth the lasered ass feeling.

They told me to tell her that he was wrong

I'm just going to say it: I hate pronouns.

Ok, maybe I don't hate prounouns as a whole, I just hate when they are misused. If you have not already identified the noun, it is NOT ok to use a pronoun. I am inundated with this at work and it drives me up the freaking wall. "She told me to tell you he can't fix that." Who is "she"? Who is "he"? What is "that"?! Must stop twitching... ARGH!!

I think my all-time most-hated misuse is "they." The front office coordinator is constantly telling clients that "they" make the rules and "they" decided on refunds. Who is "they"? "Corporate" is her response. Who at corporate? "Someone." Surely they must have a name or perhaps an extension where I can reach "them."

Make. it. stop.

/rant

Vacation

I am no longer an employee of SunTrust Banks, Inc and very soon will no longer be a client of theirs, either.

With my new job not starting until next Monday and SunTrust still having to pay me through this week, it is my absolute pleasure to take this time to do nothing but revel in my departure.

Good luck with the strung-out, drug-addicted prostitute you have as a branch manager, SunTrust... you'll need it!

More dealings with the devil

Quick backstory:

I find out today that my boss redirected almost a half million dollars in loan business that I had brought in to not only a different employee but a different branch altogether. You see, I'm covering at a branch which is not my regular branch therefore any business I do out there is attributed to that branch. My boss doctored the loan files to reflect origination from HER branch and HER FSR (Financial Services Rep).

Somehow I mananged to send an e-mail that didn't completely reflect my immense amount of disgust:

Ms. [name removed]:

It has recently come to my attention that the above referenced HELOC that I keyed in and originated was recently transferred from my name and employee number to [employee's name removed] by you.

It has also come to my attention that you have been contacting my client and “apologizing for [greeneyes] dropping the ball” on his loan and informing him that “[greeneyes] has left the bank”.

Allow me to remind you that I most certainly do still work for this bank and in no way, shape, or form have I dropped the ball with this client. In fact, I have been working very hard and diligently on this loan as well as the relationship with this client, a relationship which I have been cultivating for months. It is hardly fair to roguely decide that another employee at a completely different branch should receive credit for the immense amount of hard work I have put forth.

Not only is it unfair, it is unethical as well. Please allow me to remind you that the following is found in the [Bank's name removed] Code of Business Conduct and Ethics, which every employee is given at the time of their hire:

"The books, records, and accounts of [banks' name removed] must accurately and fairly reflect the company's transactions and operations."

I have since corrected your flagrant act and changed the loan to correctly reflect both my name and cost center. Your actions are an example of blatant disregard for ethical and professional behavior and I want to assure you that this is not the last time we will be discussing this subject.

The kicker is, since she didn't bother to show up for work today, it may be awhile before she receives and responds.

/rant

Genius in Disguise

"What day is today?"

"Tuesday, the 25th."

"I mean the whole thing... what month is it?"

"Um, October."

"Is it still 2005?"

"Yes, sir, it is October 25th, 2005."

"Month ten?"

"Are you being serious or just yanking my chain?"

"People like me aren't concerned with dates so we lose track of time easily."

"People like who?"

"Computer programmers."

"Really, I never would have guessed. Kind of explains Y2K, huh?"

Excerpts

This is from a letter I received from a client (it should be noted that said client, when he was declined a loan, wrote on the walls of the bathroom in my branch IN HIS OWN FECES that I was a bitch):

I have TRIED to borrow money. According to my record, the prospective lenders ALL X SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yester day I saw [name removed] XX at [business name removed], at [address removed]. I told her that I was recently ROBBED of OVER $200.00. This money, once I press charges will be RETURNED TO ME. The CULPRET will be VERY MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!! I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!! YES INDEED, I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What MUST BE DONE.

Later on he goes on to tell me about how he tries to form relationships with children:

I talk to BOYS (but they do not come back). So, NOW I WILL TRY TO TALK WITH GIRLS. I will now talk with girls. I will talk about what the past 20 years holds for us. The next 1 to 3 years will be the END OF CIVILIXATION (as we perceive it). Pat will tell us OVER THE NEXT little time (the 700 CLUB) will bring us up to date &explain to millions of women (who are listening to him) the rapid realization of what is going to happen to ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!

But hey, at least I got my own write up on the bathroom wall.

Take your unprofessional bullshit and shove it

I don't understand how in the world of corporate business the incompetent, unprofessional morons seem to flourish. How is it that a grown woman of thirty-two who dresses like a prostitute with her tits hanging out, can't spell to save her life, acts like she's never been taught grammar, and e-mails colleagues shitty-ass e-mails about how they are worthless never gets fired? I mean really, how does upper management see this as a good business practice?

On the other hand, she is a shinging example of what you can get a way with. Just think of what I could aspire to be: an unprofessional bitch who comes in hungover at 11:30 (if she bothers to show up at all), leaves at 2:30, tells clients they are taking up all of her time, treats staff members like they are the lowest of the lowest class, and makes $60,000 a year.

This woman gives women in business a bad name. Quite honestly, I would rather work for all men any day... and I'm a woman! There, I've said it, now let the stoning commence.

/rant