So Mr. L is out of town tonight and so far it's been nothing but drama. First, I get back home from dropping him off and Bubbles decide she is going to play Bowling for Momma and bolt out of the door as soon as I open it and knock me flat on my ass. Then she decides she does not want to come back into the house and that momma is going to have to run her ass all over the neighborhood. Clearly, I was not off to a good start.
Second, after five and a half hours of not being in contact with L and three and a half hours after he was supposed to check into his hotel and call me, the panic sets in. So at 3:30 in the morning, I call the front desk to see if he has arrived and am told no. Calm down, he probably is stuck in traffic or something I tell myself. But it's 3:30 am, what kind of traffic could there possibly BE in Podunk, TN? Construction then I reassure myself - anything to help me retain sanity at this point. Finally, at 6:00 am, Tennessee Highway Patrol tracks L down, fast asleep in his hotel room at the EXACT SAME HOTEL THAT TOLD ME HE WASN'T THERE THREE HOURS PREVIOUSLY. Oh, and he checked in around 1:30 am. Brilliant.
Turns out, there is no cell reception in Podunk and the hotel phones won't let you dial out long distance. Not sure yet if the town is truly behind the times and does not have a payphone anywhere within its limits, but L was sleepy so I'll wait to quiz him on that tomorrow. Or today rather, as it were.
So I'm pissed. Actually, no, I'm physically ill from the worry AND pissed. As hell. And oddly enough, I'm not angry with L, I'm angry with my ex and myself. I'm angry that after two and a half years of a very one-sided relationship and serious late-night shenanigans, I immediately go into Freak the Fuck Out™ mode if someone doesn't contact me when they say they will.
You see, Ex used to be a professional drinker and at the time, I was holding down a more than full time job, so it wasn't as if I could drive his ass to every bar in town every night of the week. Well, every night except Sunday and Monday, unless there was a pitcher special going on somewhere. He would swear to me that he and his friends would have a designated driver or they would ride the bus home, but it never happened. He would come home, hours after he said he would be, stinking drunk and having driven himself. He had a penchant for drunk driving and like a selfish asshole, never bothered to think about the lives he was putting at risk - his own, other people on the road, the people he would potentially leave behind who would be shattered - for his own inebriation and stupidity.
And I just cannot let go of it all. L is completely different, he's caring and trustworthy and I have no reason to believe that he would ever be that careless or stupid. His reasons for not being able to contact me are perfectly legitimate and I believe him when he says he was worried about how worried he knew I would be. So even with all of that in mind, I still cannot let go of the past. I still cannot relax and I'm as much to blame for all of this stressed out bullshit as Ex is. It sickens me that a relationship centered around the selfishness of one person still affects the open, honest, loving, dedicated relationship I have with L.
So, after six hours of worry, extreme stress and positively NO sleep, I am off to bed.
Second, after five and a half hours of not being in contact with L and three and a half hours after he was supposed to check into his hotel and call me, the panic sets in. So at 3:30 in the morning, I call the front desk to see if he has arrived and am told no. Calm down, he probably is stuck in traffic or something I tell myself. But it's 3:30 am, what kind of traffic could there possibly BE in Podunk, TN? Construction then I reassure myself - anything to help me retain sanity at this point. Finally, at 6:00 am, Tennessee Highway Patrol tracks L down, fast asleep in his hotel room at the EXACT SAME HOTEL THAT TOLD ME HE WASN'T THERE THREE HOURS PREVIOUSLY. Oh, and he checked in around 1:30 am. Brilliant.
Turns out, there is no cell reception in Podunk and the hotel phones won't let you dial out long distance. Not sure yet if the town is truly behind the times and does not have a payphone anywhere within its limits, but L was sleepy so I'll wait to quiz him on that tomorrow. Or today rather, as it were.
So I'm pissed. Actually, no, I'm physically ill from the worry AND pissed. As hell. And oddly enough, I'm not angry with L, I'm angry with my ex and myself. I'm angry that after two and a half years of a very one-sided relationship and serious late-night shenanigans, I immediately go into Freak the Fuck Out™ mode if someone doesn't contact me when they say they will.
You see, Ex used to be a professional drinker and at the time, I was holding down a more than full time job, so it wasn't as if I could drive his ass to every bar in town every night of the week. Well, every night except Sunday and Monday, unless there was a pitcher special going on somewhere. He would swear to me that he and his friends would have a designated driver or they would ride the bus home, but it never happened. He would come home, hours after he said he would be, stinking drunk and having driven himself. He had a penchant for drunk driving and like a selfish asshole, never bothered to think about the lives he was putting at risk - his own, other people on the road, the people he would potentially leave behind who would be shattered - for his own inebriation and stupidity.
And I just cannot let go of it all. L is completely different, he's caring and trustworthy and I have no reason to believe that he would ever be that careless or stupid. His reasons for not being able to contact me are perfectly legitimate and I believe him when he says he was worried about how worried he knew I would be. So even with all of that in mind, I still cannot let go of the past. I still cannot relax and I'm as much to blame for all of this stressed out bullshit as Ex is. It sickens me that a relationship centered around the selfishness of one person still affects the open, honest, loving, dedicated relationship I have with L.
So, after six hours of worry, extreme stress and positively NO sleep, I am off to bed.
1 comment:
I was definitely stupid and selfish back then. Very selfish. Very stupid. And I'm very sorry. I know this probably doesn't help, but if I could go back and do things differently, I surely would.
And not that it makes it right, but I have to contest the extent to which my drinking habits are implied to have been. They were hardly on par with a "professional drinker", whatever that is, and I'm not so sure they would've even been considered average for a typical college student.
Nonetheless, it obviously took its toll on you and on our relationship. I can't tell you how sorry I am for that, and I feel even worse that it's still affecting you today with L.
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