After my second miscarriage, it was hard for me to see other pregnant mommies and not feel jealous and guilty. Going into my OB's office for weekly check ups and blood draws didn't help the matter much as inevitably there would always be at least one pregnant mommy in the waiting room - such is the peril of going to an OB's office.
While that feeling of jealousy diminished over time, it never really went away as far as some pregnant mommies were concerned. I can remember being at the checkout counter at the grocery with Mr. L almost two months after our miscarriage and the cashier was in high school, unmarried, talking about catching her boyfriend with a cheerleader and quite pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and cursed such an unfair world for allowing someone who couldn't even support herself let alone a child to carry to term. I could provide a baby with a loving home, I could provide a mommy AND a daddy, I could do all of those things and more except actually stay pregnant long enough to have a child. Obviously, I was quite emotional and rationality was something with which I struggled.
Today, despite being pregnant, I felt some of those same feelings creeping back in - but not for me. A close and dear friend of mine is beginning the process of infertility testing/treatment after a long, difficult process of trying to get pregnant and I just hurt so much for her. Here is an amazing woman who would make one kick-ass mom and a little piece of me crumbles when I see these girls bringing children into the world that they didn't plan and can't afford. Just to rub more salt in the wound, tonight on one of the pregnancy message boards I frequent there was a 19 year-old girl talking about how she is living with her boyfriend, can't afford to buy food, and wishes she had never become pregnant. It is all. I. can. do. not to snipe at this girl.
I realize in life there are things we cannot change, but damnit it can suck so hard sometimes.
While that feeling of jealousy diminished over time, it never really went away as far as some pregnant mommies were concerned. I can remember being at the checkout counter at the grocery with Mr. L almost two months after our miscarriage and the cashier was in high school, unmarried, talking about catching her boyfriend with a cheerleader and quite pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and cursed such an unfair world for allowing someone who couldn't even support herself let alone a child to carry to term. I could provide a baby with a loving home, I could provide a mommy AND a daddy, I could do all of those things and more except actually stay pregnant long enough to have a child. Obviously, I was quite emotional and rationality was something with which I struggled.
Today, despite being pregnant, I felt some of those same feelings creeping back in - but not for me. A close and dear friend of mine is beginning the process of infertility testing/treatment after a long, difficult process of trying to get pregnant and I just hurt so much for her. Here is an amazing woman who would make one kick-ass mom and a little piece of me crumbles when I see these girls bringing children into the world that they didn't plan and can't afford. Just to rub more salt in the wound, tonight on one of the pregnancy message boards I frequent there was a 19 year-old girl talking about how she is living with her boyfriend, can't afford to buy food, and wishes she had never become pregnant. It is all. I. can. do. not to snipe at this girl.
I realize in life there are things we cannot change, but damnit it can suck so hard sometimes.
2 comments:
This hits hard at me as well. For 10 years I thought I could never have children (another story) and it grated on me to no end to see all these pregnant kids saying these types of things. It still does.
It's getting absolutely ridiculous in Australia right now. We are paid by the govt $3000+ to have babies. The price goes up each year. It's supposed to help offset the cost of raising a child, and I'm sure you can well imagine the number of females going and getting pregnant just so they can have that money. They don't actually want the children.
Obviously this is an outrageous offense (again, another story) but now on top of hearing all these kids complain about their pregnancies and boyfriend problems, NOW we're stuck hearing things like, "Well at least I get $4k out of it." Or even more boldly... "I'm only doing it for the money."
It's enough to make you go postal. :(
Sigh. But all that aside, I really, truly hope your friend's treatments give a very happy ending. :)
aww kate. Your post made me cry. I love you chica.
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