Dear...

Wholesomely Cute Stockboy at Ace Hardware:

Thank you for asking me if I needed help as I tried to mire my way through the Black Friday crowd and then pulling up a lawn chair and offering to fetch all of my items for me as I "rested my feet." You really made my day just by recognizing the fact that I was tired and fighting my way through a sea of crazy Christmas shoppers just for one bottle of Lestoil (God's gift to laundry, by the way) wasn't exactly tops on my list of things to do today.

You're probably one of those boys who always calls his mother and plays a quick game of toss the pigskin with Grandpop every Sunday, aren't you?

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Dear...

Stupid Yankee New Yorker Bitch in My Childbirth Class:

You're right, my child is not going to love me more because I choose not to have an epidural during labor and delivery. Little Bit will have no idea what that even means for many, many years to come nor will she understand the amount of energy, effort, and love that is put into making a birth plan for a pending delivery until she has children of her own, if she so chooses. In fact, by the time LB can understand all of that, she and I will have formed a bond that will be totally independent of whether or not I had an epidural. That relationship will be formed and based on the choices that I make as a parent, not the least of which will include decisions made for my family regarding their health and well being.

If your decision to have an epidural is because it's "available and why not" and is in no way based on any thorough research and long discussions with your spouse, then you are the fool and not I. My health and the health of my baby will not be subject to societal whims simply because "everyone else is doing it." This pregnancy has been difficult enough already (what with almost losing the daddy, heart complications, and random bleeding just to name a few) and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that you have to arm yourself with as much information as possible and try to make the best choice possible for you, if not the most informed. I am in no way opposed to an epidural - it is a great option for many women, it just isn't the best option for me.

And yes, your accent is fucking annoying.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Dear...

Clients I had today:

How 'bout ya try not to be so fucking crazy.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Dear...

Dick-Wad ER Nurse in Dover, DE who told me the miscarriage was my fault:

Blow me.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Be ye not an anonymous commenter

Dear Anonymous Commenter:

Perhaps you are not versed in the ways of the commenting of the blog so allow me to edify you: anonymous comments are tacky and also gives one the air of being testical-less.

Also, when making snarky comments it would be wise to at least try to form grammatically correct sentences... especially considering we're only talking about one here for god's sake. "Less inside jokes"? Child, please. I have been called a grammar whore before, so don't think I won't call you out on errors because oh HELL YES I will, especially if you are being an ass.

Please also allow me to remind you that this is my fucking blog and I'll post whatever I want. If I want to post about the color and consistency of this mornings urine, I damn well will. If you find it "boring," click the back button and move on with life. And if you are too lazy to do that, you can always buy one of these nifty keyboards that has a back button built into it. Problem solved.

The moral of the story is: don't be a goddamned ass.

Hugs and Kisses,

greeneyes