/rant

Movin' on up

2007-03-31T10:09:00.001-05:00

Check out the new digs at: www.sophistikated.com

Memo to All: Today is Torture Little Bit Day

2007-03-24T07:34:00.000-05:00

Or at least that is how LB is acting... I swear, you would think by the sound of her screams that feeding her, changing her, and holding her close is a form of Chinese water torture. My usually happy little baby is letting me know in no uncertain terms that she is pissed. Unfortunately, as she lacks certain necessary communication skills, I am clueless as to why. Is it bad that I've given up trying to please her and have instead resorted to sticking her in her swing in the hopes that it will eventually shut her up? And that if it doesn't work, well, at least I was able to get a shower? Perhaps I really AM torturing her after all.

In other news, this here blog is going to be moved in the next couple of weeks - so be on the lookout for that. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later but with the disproportionate rate with which our closing date is drawing near (quickly) and the number of boxes I have packed (zero), the move to the new web address might ended up being a month or more away.

All New Everything

2007-03-17T15:14:00.002-05:00

I am officially no longer an employee of Sona MedSpa. I've got two new gigs that I'm excited about - one a part-time job for a huge, nationwide investment firm and the other a sales consultant gig for a friend's technology firm. Basically I'm working the part-time job until the technology firm takes off and becomes stable, consistent income at which point I'll be able to work from home.

Also, we are less than a month away from closing on our houses and I am VERY ready for that to be over. The purchasing experience has been great but the selling experience... let's just say it sucks hard. I'm going to be trying my best not to stick a pen in the eye of our buyer at closing.

Foolish Love

2007-03-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

I don't want to hold you
And feel so helpless
I don't want to smell you
And lose my senses
I'll smile in slow motion
With eyes in love

Full Speed Ahead

2007-03-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

Well, we sold our house - in five days. Luckily, we also found a house in that amount of time and our offer was (eventually) accepted.

So now ~~Mr. L and~~ I have five weeks to pack the house, with a month-old infant in tow, no less. I'm also returning to work this week, but will probably only be working at my current job for a few weeks. I'll expound more on that when all is said and done, if we ever get to that point.

I swear, we don't ever slow down around here. I am really hoping that once we move into the new house we can just chill the hell out for a while.

I'm worn out.

Life Comes At You Fast

2007-02-16T20:21:00.000-05:00

Let's try and recap the last month or so:

da Momma deployed for Iraq
Little Bit arrived
Father-in-law was hospitalized for an eight inch blood clot in his thigh
My computer died
Mr. L's computer died
L and I decided to sell our house
L and I started looking for a new house
Little Bit was diagnosed with thrush
I was diagnosed with thrush - in my BREASTS

So yeah, things have been REAL hairy around our house.

Good Morning!

2007-02-01T09:57:00.000-05:00

Mr. L woke me up this morning (which is a much nicer way to awake than to the sounds of a fussy baby) and the first thing he said was, "I am so sorry to wake you, but you have to look outside."

SNOW!!

I haven't seen snow since I moved down to North Carolina two years ago and I've MISSED it. Imagine that, me - missing snow!

It was also nice to wake up and realize that Little Bit had almost completely slept through the night. I was only up once with her for a quick change and a bite to eat. My happy little baby generally sleeps in four hour increments during the night, giving mommy and daddy some much needed sleep.

Hopefully we can keep this up!

Say Hello

2007-01-24T15:51:00.000-05:00

Little Bit joined us this morning at 8:38 am EST weighing in at 9 lbs, 1 oz and measuring 21 inches. Labor and delivery were smooth sailing and mom and babe are doing fantastic.

He Said, She Said

2007-01-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

Her: Do you love me?
Him: Yes, of course I love you.
Her: Do you love me a whole lot?
Him: Yes, I love you a whole lot.
Her: Then please don't ever get me pregnant again.

Holy Expanding Bellies, Batman!

2007-01-09T18:24:00.000-05:00

Seriously, where does the time go? It's been a month since I last updated this thing and I could have sworn it was a only a week or so!

Mr. L and I have been eight hundred different kinds of busy getting ready for the appearance of the girl child and trying to maintain our regular personal and work lives to boot. There isn't really anything of much interest going on right now, just waiting and waiting and waiting.

Hopefully I'll pop soon, due date is less than two weeks away - weeeeeeeee!

Highly Laughable

2006-12-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

Biggest maternity lie out there:

Purchase your pre-pregnancy size!

All You Need Is Love

2006-12-03T00:07:00.000-05:00

Is it true, is love all you need? And if you have love and trust and honesty and dedication and ALL of those things, then why does a lack of intimacy make it feel like not enough? Why must I nitpick the one small area when everything else is so amazing?

And why must I run it all through my head over and over and pick and pick until it is an open, festering wound that hurts like hell?

He Said, She Said

2006-12-01T23:43:00.000-05:00

Her: It's kind of like having the best sex of your life, but you know you're going to get gonorrhea, ya know?
Him: No, actually I'm not familiar with that.
Her: Yeah, me either...

Oh. Dear. God.

2006-11-27T20:36:00.000-05:00

Peace Symbol Equals Sign to Drop Bombs on Iraq

Honestly, I don't care what side of the fence you sit on regarding the war in Iraq, terrorism, or what have you, this is taking it too far. The woman cannot hang a peace sign Christmas wreath because it is considered "divisive"? Or better yet, a "symbol of Satan"?

Grow the fuck up, dude.

Oh, and I love this little tidbit at the end regarding the HOA president:

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything.
Kearns fired all five committee members.

Yes, they're using logic, fire them all! Off with their heads!

Five Months Later

2006-11-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

Now we're just waiting for word on the knee - hopefully we'll know something this Friday!

Clearly Bob Vila I Am Not

2006-11-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

So last night, ten to two in the morning to be exact, our water heater decided it had had enough. And it's not as if it could just decide it was done and not work, no no, in the R household, things must go out with a bang.

So after a $1300 estimate from the plumber to replace the damned thing, L and I decide we will just head to Lowe's and install a new water heater ourselves. Surely our sanity is not worth $1300, no?

After returning from Lowe's a few hundred dollars poorer, L realizes he needs more items and asks me to return and get them. Now let me back up here for a second and relay to you the fact that I HATE going to the hardware store for items that L needs because a) I'm never really sure what the hell it is he's talking about and b) sometimes he isn't either, he just wants me to ask some customer service rep for help.

Soooooo, I trot on into the hardware store (and by trot I mean waddle because let's face it, I feel like I have a watermelon between my legs) and start hunting for a ninety-degree copper elbow and some copper piping to fit. L keeps telling me he needs everything to be 3/4" so this is what I'm picking up, though I'm beginning to wonder how the hell he is going to join this stuff together as it is all the same diameter.

"Um, I don't know how this fits together, L."

"Look for a coupling sleeve."

"Um, there isn't anything here marked "coupling sleeve," just "coupling" and it's all the same diameter, nothing fits into each other."

"Go ask for help."

*sigh*

And by sigh I mean, "I really wish you would get your ass down here and do this because even if I ask for help I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED SO HOW CAN I DESCRIBE IT??"

So along comes Joe, who is trying very hard to take the "customer service" out of Customer Service Representative.

"I need some kind of copper something to fit into this 3/4" elbow - my husband said I need a coupling sleeve... ?"

"There's no such thing."

"Ok, can you tell me how I'm supposed to make this copper pipe thingy fit into this elbow thingy?"

"That's a coupling."

"What's a coupling?"

"The "copper pipe thingy" you're holding."

"Ok, how do I make it fit into -- "

And without one word he takes the coupling away from me and hands me a 3/4" diameter piece of copper pipe which - VOILA! - fits perfectly.

"Oh, I gotcha. Sorry, I had no idea what my husband needed."

"If you have no idea, why isn't he here getting it then?"

Joe, I misjudged you. You are indeed a smart man.

Dear...

2006-11-24T15:17:00.000-05:00

Wholesomely Cute Stockboy at Ace Hardware:

Thank you for asking me if I needed help as I tried to mire my way through the Black Friday crowd and then pulling up a lawn chair and offering to fetch all of my items for me as I "rested my feet." You really made my day just by recognizing the fact that I was tired and fighting my way through a sea of crazy Christmas shoppers just for one bottle of Lestoil (God's gift to laundry, by the way) wasn't exactly tops on my list of things to do today.

You're probably one of those boys who always calls his mother and plays a quick game of toss the pigskin with Grandpop every Sunday, aren't you?

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Genius In Disguise

2006-11-19T11:10:00.000-05:00

As seen on a property listing:

Buy Now Before Price is Lowered!

If I posted, here's what it would look like...

2006-11-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

OJ Simpson is a fucking dumbass. There, I said it. I know that to millions of people he is an icon, "The Juice" as it were, but to me he is a bona fide dumbass - either that, or a really big asshole. Who I am fooling? He's both.

"If I did it, here's how it happened"?? Are you kidding me? Save the dramatics and admit it already, you pantywaste. And for god's sake, if he didn't do it then he needs to keep his damned trap shut. I cannot imagine what the Brown/Goldman families must be going through with jughead hashing out details in both book and interview form.

Is OJ that hard up for money that he has to try and profit from such a tragedy? If nothing else, can he not think of his children whose mother was brutally murdered?

Seriously, what a douche.

I also have a good face for radio:

2006-11-14T03:25:00.000-05:00

Ganked from the ever-lovely RegionBroad:

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Midland "You have a Midland accent" is just another way of saying "you don't have an accent." You probably are from the Midland (Pennsylvania, southern Ohio, southern Indiana, southern Illinois, and Missouri) but then for all we know you could be from Florida or Charleston or one of those big southern cities like Atlanta or Dallas. You have a good voice for TV and radio.
The Inland North
The West
The Northeast
Philadelphia
Boston
North Central
The South
What American accent do you have? Take More Quizzes

30 Week Update

2006-11-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

Weight gained so far? 22 pounds
How much of that went to your ass? 21 pounds
How much of that went to your breasts? 21 pounds
Are you still in possession of your ankles? Amazingly, yes.
Number of toilet paper squares it takes to encircle your belly? Nine
How long did it take you to heave yourself out of the tub this morning? Fifteen minutes.
How many times have you gotten stuck while trying on clothes at Destination Maternity? Twice
Would you say you are still in control of your emotions? Yes, of course. Why? Have people been saying something? Those bastards, who are they? I'LL STRANGLE THEM! PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! I'M IN COMPLETE CONTROL HERE!!

Weeee! Only ten-ish more weeks to go!

Ain't It Funny

2006-11-11T06:12:00.000-05:00

So Mr. L is out of town tonight and so far it's been nothing but drama. First, I get back home from dropping him off and Bubbles decide she is going to play Bowling for Momma and bolt out of the door as soon as I open it and knock me flat on my ass. Then she decides she does not want to come back into the house and that momma is going to have to run her ass all over the neighborhood. Clearly, I was not off to a good start.

Second, after five and a half hours of not being in contact with L and three and a half hours after he was supposed to check into his hotel and call me, the panic sets in. So at 3:30 in the morning, I call the front desk to see if he has arrived and am told no. Calm down, he probably is stuck in traffic or something I tell myself. But it's 3:30 am, what kind of traffic could there possibly BE in Podunk, TN? Construction then I reassure myself - anything to help me retain sanity at this point. Finally, at 6:00 am, Tennessee Highway Patrol tracks L down, fast asleep in his hotel room at the EXACT SAME HOTEL THAT TOLD ME HE WASN'T THERE THREE HOURS PREVIOUSLY. Oh, and he checked in around 1:30 am. Brilliant.

Turns out, there is no cell reception in Podunk and the hotel phones won't let you dial out long distance. Not sure yet if the town is truly behind the times and does not have a payphone anywhere within its limits, but L was sleepy so I'll wait to quiz him on that tomorrow. Or today rather, as it were.

So I'm pissed. Actually, no, I'm physically ill from the worry AND pissed. As hell. And oddly enough, I'm not angry with L, I'm angry with my ex and myself. I'm angry that after two and a half years of a very one-sided relationship and serious late-night shenanigans, I immediately go into Freak the Fuck Out™ mode if someone doesn't contact me when they say they will.

You see, Ex used to be a professional drinker and at the time, I was holding down a more than full time job, so it wasn't as if I could drive his ass to every bar in town every night of the week. Well, every night except Sunday and Monday, unless there was a pitcher special going on somewhere. He would swear to me that he and his friends would have a designated driver or they would ride the bus home, but it never happened. He would come home, hours after he said he would be, stinking drunk and having driven himself. He had a penchant for drunk driving and like a selfish asshole, never bothered to think about the lives he was putting at risk - his own, other people on the road, the people he would potentially leave behind who would be shattered - for his own inebriation and stupidity.

And I just cannot let go of it all. L is completely different, he's caring and trustworthy and I have no reason to believe that he would ever be that careless or stupid. His reasons for not being able to contact me are perfectly legitimate and I believe him when he says he was worried about how worried he knew I would be. So even with all of that in mind, I still cannot let go of the past. I still cannot relax and I'm as much to blame for all of this stressed out bullshit as Ex is. It sickens me that a relationship centered around the selfishness of one person still affects the open, honest, loving, dedicated relationship I have with L.

So, after six hours of worry, extreme stress and positively NO sleep, I am off to bed.

Something Sinister Is Going On In My House

2006-11-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

It started maybe five or six months ago, I would notice that items were misplaced around the house and then my dog Cami started following me everywhere as if protecting me against some unseen evil. The clues back then were subtle and I wasn't really picking up on the fact that something was wrong, it was more or less just a small annoyance that occurred every couple of days or so. Still, Cam would not leave my side and even went so far as to guard the bathroom door when I was showering and getting ready for work in the morning.

I suppose the presence in my house became more apparent when the little monster started messing with my clothes. One day, a blouse wouldn't fit quite the same, as if someone had shrunk it - but no, I always dry-cleaned that particular blouse so how could it have shrunk? Then a short time later, someone took in an inch or two from the waist of all of my pants. At first I thought it was funny, I mean, obviously this was not a mean spirit if the worst it would do was alter my clothing, right?

I was wrong. Not even a week later, it started poisoning my food. Everything I ate I would almost instantly vomit right back up. When I finally just gave up on eating, it resorted to tampering with my toothpaste so that every time I brushed my teeth I would gag and gag until finally I resolved myself to my fate and stuck my head in the toilet. At about the same time, the presence also emptied all of my perfume bottles and refilled them with a most foul smelling concoction that would send me racing to the bathroom.

All of this non-eating and throwing up was really taking a toll, I was more exhausted than I thought physically possible and yet somehow SOMEHOW! I had managed to gain weight. But then it dawned on me that no, the spirit had adjusted my scale! At this point I realized the spirit's trickery knew no bounds.

After a few weeks, the presence grew bored of playing with me and things returned to normal around my house - well, normal aside from the wide-angle mirrors it had left behind. I still can't seem to get those to return to the way they were before and show my true figure -all it shows is the most ridiculous bump around my midsection. But aside from that, life had returned to normal. I was finally able to sleep and eat like a decent human being, though Cami was still keeping a close eye on me.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, the spirit has returned. This time it swapped all of the shoes in my closet with those of someone with smaller feet! When I was getting ready for work this evening, it was almost impossible to wedge my feet into my shoes and that's when I realized - they were two sizes too small! Ooooh, you mean little spirit! Why must you torment me this way?

So that's that, I've had it. Mr. L and I are selling and getting as far away from this house as possible. Of course, it will probably take us a few months to sell and find something new, so I'm hoping by February I can be free of this presence.

A Not So Sweet Deal

2006-11-08T15:55:00.000-05:00

So my OB called me yesterday and it turns out, I failed my gestational diabetes screening test. So apparently all of the effort I have put into eating healthy was a waste - I could have been eating french fries and ice cream this whole time, damnit!

In all honesty I have a feeling that my "slightly elevated" numbers are directly related to the fact that they tested me the day after Halloween. So thanks to the splurge I let myself have because I had been good all week and eaten mostly fruits and vegetables, I get to take part in the three hour glucose challenge tomorrow morning. This will involve drinking a sugar syrup concoction and then having multiple blood draws performed every hour - yay for the human pin cushion!

In other news, it appears there are now certain areas of my body that I am no longer able to see. Hopefully Mr. L will appreciate the lengths I went to in order to obtain optimum smoothness and reward accordingly, if you know what I mean.

How NOT to Sell Your House

2006-11-06T19:05:00.000-05:00

Feature not one but TWO pictures of a transvestite:

Photo found on www.swelldwellings.com.

Hip Update

2006-11-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

So it's been almost four and a half months since L's injury and all x-rays are coming up positive. L's been cleared for light duty at work which means that instead of going crazy at home doing nothing, he can go crazy at work dealing with idiots. Amazingly, he is looking forward to this.

While the report on the hip is great news, there was some not so great news regarding his knee. Since he put down the crutches about three weeks ago, L's been having pain in his left knee and some associated popping which the doctor says is more than likely torn cartilage. Since L's been on crutches for the past four months and therefore not using his knee joint at all, the possibility of torn cartilage has gone undetected. So we've started another waiting game - wait and see if the pain and popping goes away and if it doesn't, come back in a month for an MRI to see if the cartilage is torn. Then, depending on the significance of the injury, face the possibility of knee surgery.

So let's break down the time line on this one taking into consideration a worse-case scenario:

1. First week of December - go back for follow up knee visit
2. Sometime a week later - have an MRI
3. Find out L needs surgery
4. Christmas/Busiest time of the year for L as far as work is concerned
5. January - have baby
6. Tear out hair and gnash teeth

I am so ready for this all to end. I'm tired of being on tender hooks about L's condition - I want my husband back NOW. People, we have a baby on the way, when the hell are we supposed to deal with all of this AND get ready for that huge life-changing event? I have absolutely no idea how I am going to manage taking care of everything if L has surgery and is out of commission again - not with only twelve weeks left to go in this pregnancy. Sure, I had to do it all in June when L's accident first happened but I was only nine weeks pregnant and a hell of a lot more mobile.

When L's accident originally happened, we knew we were in for a long haul. We knew things would suck for a while and there would be stress, but I will be honest and say that I never for one second anticipated how far-reaching all of this would be. Stress about taking care of each other, stress about taking care of the house, stress about money, stress on our relationship, stress which lead to pregnancy complications, stress which lead to fights between the two of us, stress which affected how we handled daily activities and encounters... no amount of money that we may eventually settle for is worth what we have been through. If I could choose between all of this with a large cash settlement or none of it - I would choose our boring, ol' vanilla, normal life hands down.

Time to scare the kiddies

2006-10-31T09:27:00.000-05:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Photo ganked from www.sandemons.com.

Being Hormonal and Judgemental

2006-10-29T22:59:00.000-05:00

After my second miscarriage, it was hard for me to see other pregnant mommies and not feel jealous and guilty. Going into my OB's office for weekly check ups and blood draws didn't help the matter much as inevitably there would always be at least one pregnant mommy in the waiting room - such is the peril of going to an OB's office.

While that feeling of jealousy diminished over time, it never really went away as far as some pregnant mommies were concerned. I can remember being at the checkout counter at the grocery with Mr. L almost two months after our miscarriage and the cashier was in high school, unmarried, talking about catching her boyfriend with a cheerleader and quite pregnant. I cried and cried and cried and cursed such an unfair world for allowing someone who couldn't even support herself let alone a child to carry to term. I could provide a baby with a loving home, I could provide a mommy AND a daddy, I could do all of those things and more except actually stay pregnant long enough to have a child. Obviously, I was quite emotional and rationality was something with which I struggled.

Today, despite being pregnant, I felt some of those same feelings creeping back in - but not for me. A close and dear friend of mine is beginning the process of infertility testing/treatment after a long, difficult process of trying to get pregnant and I just hurt so much for her. Here is an amazing woman who would make one kick-ass mom and a little piece of me crumbles when I see these girls bringing children into the world that they didn't plan and can't afford. Just to rub more salt in the wound, tonight on one of the pregnancy message boards I frequent there was a 19 year-old girl talking about how she is living with her boyfriend, can't afford to buy food, and wishes she had never become pregnant. It is all. I. can. do. not to snipe at this girl.

I realize in life there are things we cannot change, but damnit it can suck so hard sometimes.

28 Weeks

2006-10-29T18:04:00.000-05:00

Yipes!! Only twelve-ish more weeks to go!

Dear...

2006-10-27T17:20:00.000-05:00

Stupid Yankee New Yorker Bitch in My Childbirth Class:

You're right, my child is not going to love me more because I choose not to have an epidural during labor and delivery. Little Bit will have no idea what that even means for many, many years to come nor will she understand the amount of energy, effort, and love that is put into making a birth plan for a pending delivery until she has children of her own, if she so chooses. In fact, by the time LB can understand all of that, she and I will have formed a bond that will be totally independent of whether or not I had an epidural. That relationship will be formed and based on the choices that I make as a parent, not the least of which will include decisions made for my family regarding their health and well being.

If your decision to have an epidural is because it's "available and why not" and is in no way based on any thorough research and long discussions with your spouse, then you are the fool and not I. My health and the health of my baby will not be subject to societal whims simply because "everyone else is doing it." This pregnancy has been difficult enough already (what with almost losing the daddy, heart complications, and random bleeding just to name a few) and if there is one thing I've learned, it's that you have to arm yourself with as much information as possible and try to make the best choice possible for you, if not the most informed. I am in no way opposed to an epidural - it is a great option for many women, it just isn't the best option for me.

And yes, your accent is fucking annoying.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

LUAU!!

2006-10-27T08:50:00.000-05:00

October 27th and we finally have heat! As Mr. L and I moved into the house in the late spring, we never had a reason to turn the heat on and therefore we had no idea that we had GAS HEAT and needed to call the GAS COMPANY to have it turned on.

So when we finally went to use our heat in the first week of October, imagine our surprise when it didn't work - and by surprise I mean witness the deathly scowl of a six-month pregnant chick who is cold.

Of course the GAS COMPANY cannot immediately send someone out, nooooo. They make you wait a week, during which time you learn the very fine art of piling on shirt, after shirt, after sweater, after sweater, after blanket (much like this dude) in a sad attempt to stay warm - and no, piling on extreme amounts of clothing is not conducive to moving around. After said week has passed, the GAS COMPANY is a no show and when you call to see what the hell happened because hello! we're fucking cold over here, they tell you the earliest they can dispatch someone is the following week.

I actually started looking forward to going to work so I could thaw out. *shudder*

Lessons in Zoology

2006-10-21T18:39:00.000-05:00

We just keep acquiring more and more wildlife. Today I rescued a puppy that some asshole just threw away, and look how cute she is! How can people do that?

She doesn't have a name as of yet, but we keep referring to her as either "Puppy" or "Sweet Pea." L and I are taking Sweet Pea to the local animal rescue that I've adopted dogs from in the past (a no-kill shelter) so they can get her all set up with shots and some antibiotics for a wound she has on her flank. Then it looks we'll be her foster parent for about a week after which they expect to have a kennel opened up for her.

The dog is a total and complete sweetheart, just as loving and docile as could be - how can people just dispose of animals that way? Unbelievable.

Happy Birthday!

2006-10-19T12:04:00.000-05:00

This one's for you, Miss Bridget. I miss you.

Stressed

2006-10-19T00:51:00.000-05:00

I don't think my husband wants to have sex with me anymore.

I can't believe I'm putting this out into the Innerbunny (as Michelle would call it), but there you have it. I am fully admitting that I am whining here and yes, there are more important things to be stressed about in the world - I get it. Unfortunately knowing that makes me neither less stressed nor less whiny.

Obviously I understand L's lack of desire recently because let's face it, I'm 15 pounds heavier than I used to be and just not a shining example of sexiness in my current pregnant state. It's not as if the man has ever even thought about looking at preggie porn or anything, so why would he be attracted to me? I just don't fit the status quo of his sexual desires these days, folks.

Now L tells me I'm beautiful on a regular basis and I believe him when he says that, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's attracted to this particular brand of "beautiful." I think most pregnant women are beautiful in a glowing, maternal way, but I would never look at one and think, damn, I could get with that. And yes, I have thought that about other women before so that isn't just from a same sex standpoint.

Another part of this equation is a certain ex-boyfriend who, after a year of dating, just decided he really wasn't that into sleeping with me anymore. Didn't know why, didn't think it had anything to do with me, just flat out wasn't interested anymore. So at this point in my life, I've taken two perfectly healthy, young, virile men and, for whatever reason, caused them to stop wanting to have sex with me.

It's a blow to my self esteem. *sigh*

So what is there to do? I've stopped coming on to L in the hopes that a little absence makes the heart grow fonder will spark some interest - but after a week of feigning disinterest, I've got nothing. No attempts made on his part and for fuck's sake, I can't even remember the last time we kissed. I've previously tried just jumping him but that resulted in a disastrous episode entitled "The One in Which L Tries Really, Really Hard to Come and Ends Up Doing So While Only Semi-Hard."

I thought the only reason you were supposed to be married when you're pregnant is so that there is someone legally bound to have sex with you. Apparently I was misinformed.

Yay! No more fumes!

2006-10-15T21:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I had a whole post typed up and ready to roll but somehow managed to delete it. So instead of witty commentary, you just get pictures as I no longer feel like typing it all out again.

Voila! I give you House of R - now in Technicolor!

Bathroom

Master Bedroom

Hallway

Entryway

Living Room

Kitchen

Sunroom / Dog Room

And yes, I am flash-challenged when it comes to operating a camera.

I'll take toxic fumes for a thousand, Alex

2006-10-12T09:58:00.000-05:00

So Mr. L and I are painting the house, and by we I mean he is and I'm trying to not inhale too many paint fumes.

I went a teensy bit crazy with the colors and was worried that L wouldn't like them, but they look fabulous. At this point we have five rooms down and one to go, nevermind the fact that the last room is going to be a bitch because of the cathedral ceilings and really should count as two.

I'll post pictures after everything has been painted (including trim and crown moulding - blech) and the house is clean again.

Breathe Much?

2006-10-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

Seen over at hey freak!: World Record for Most T-Shirts Worn at One Time.

Seriously, my shit would flip from claustrophobia.

*shudder*

I think it's time to break out the Old English...

2006-10-02T20:03:00.000-05:00

...and dust this puppy off. :o)

I'm not even going to try to catch up on the past, oh, seven months that I've let this thing rot but I will bring y'all up to speed on the most important things:

1. Bought a house
2. Old house is broken into on THE DAY we are moving out
3. Rear-ended on the freeway while driving up to see my parents in Delaware
4. Came back from Delaware, found out we're pregnant
5. Much freaking out ensued
6. Mr. L is out on a training ride for a charity cycling event and is hit by a truck
7. Even more freaking out ensued
8. Dropped to part-time at work in order to take care of L (currently known as Broken Hip Boy™ or Hobbes)

So yeah, my summer has been a rollercoaster to say the least. Hopefully now that I'm working a little less - ok, who am I kidding? I'll be working the same amount if not more, just not in an actual "office" - I can keep up with this thing a little better... but no promises. :)

Holy Shit

2006-03-12T23:46:00.000-05:00

Buying a house = really fucking stressful and emotionally draining.

That is all.

Giddy Up

2006-02-19T21:17:00.000-05:00

Today I met the reason why my husband is so damned good in bed: Wonder Horse

Can't you just see lil L ~~shaggin'~~ riding the hell out of that thing?

Yes, there is a god.

More Boys, More Fun

2006-02-16T18:50:00.000-05:00

This guy takes the cake: The Pterodactyl
(please note that extremely loud, annoying, obnoxious music will play when you click this link)

I thought seriously he must be joking, but no, he has his own MySpace groups with names such as "Pterodactyl Fan Club," "PTERODACTYL LOVERS UNITE," "There's a little Pterodactyl in us all" and my personal favorite "i love fucking pterodactyls." I'm not quite sure if the word fucking is being used as a verb or an adjective here, you decide.

I suppose there could be worse things one could obsess over.

Maybe.

He Said, She Said

2006-02-12T14:47:00.000-05:00

Her: I don't think that's how it works...
Him: Ok, mom. I mean, I mean Kate! I meant Kate, I was thinking mom, but meant Kate.
Her: Mmm-hmm.
Him: This is gonna hurt.
Her: Mmm-hmm.

Happy Valentine's Day!

2006-02-12T14:42:00.000-05:00

This pretty much sums it up:

#@%$&*@#

2006-02-11T15:44:00.000-05:00

If you hear a news story about a woman out of Charlotte, North Carolina going bat-shit crazy with road rage, know two things:

Yes, I am that crazy bitch, and
The other person is a fucking asshole and they totally deserved it

That is all.

Fun With Boys

2006-02-08T14:34:00.000-05:00

I recently joined MySpace as a certain blog I enjoy reading there only allows MySpace users to comment. It should be noted that there is nothing of any significance on my webpage, all you will find there is a photo and the fact that I went to Purdue. I didn't answer any of their inane questions such as "Tell us about yourself" "Who I'd like to meet" or "How big are your tits?" (ok, maybe I made the last one up, but you get the idea).

Even with no information about myself on the site, I still get daily messages sent to me from men (and I'm using that term loosely) who want to meet me or "be my friend." Seeing as I get so much enjoyment out of these, I thought I'd post a few for your reading pleasure.

Bachelor Number One: I've got me....get you

Twenty-six year-old male from Charlotte, NC who wants to know "are you picking up, what [he's] putting down????"

His Message:

hey wussup kate? girl you are adorable to me. can i get to know you?

Survey Says: In this great day and age, man has discovered and mastered the usage of upper and lower case letters... come join us!

Bachelor Number Two: Display Name

One hundred year-old male from Space, Egypt who would like to meet "Just some new friends. People to chat with. And what ever else that mite [sic] happen."

His Message:

Hey sweetie how are you doing. Just saw you online. I must say your a very beautiful woman. I would love to get to know you some time.

Survey Says: Sentence structuring. Gets the better of me. Sometimes, too. So does? Knowing when to? Use question marks?

Bachelor Number Three: Steve

Twenty-two year-old male from Charlotte, NC whose interest in books is "I DO NOT DO MUCH READING BUT WHEN I DO I LIKE BOOKS THAT TEACH YOU THINKS."

His Message:

HEY THERE I SEE YOU ARE NEW TO THIS THING SO AM I SO I WOULED LIKE TO BE YOUR BUDDY IF YOU WOULED LIKE TO BE MY STEVE

Survey Says: THE LIGHT AT THE TOP RIGHT OF YOUR KEYBOARD MEANS THE CAPS LOCK IS ON, DUMBASS

Reasons number 454905, 8743085, and 340983509834 I am infinitely happy I am married and not on the dating scene any longer.

Pretty fly, for a white guy

2006-02-01T21:54:00.000-05:00

So today I went to the most dreaded of all places: Wal-Mart. I try to shop at Target at all costs but unfortunately they were completely sold out of two things on my list today, potting soil and condoms.

As if purchasing potting soil and condoms didn't raise enough eyebrows as is, my cashier had to bring further attention to my selected items with the following conversation:

Wal-Mart Cashier Bitch: You know you got Magnums?
Me (whilst turning every shade of red): Yes...
WMCB: You a white girl.
Me: Oh my god! I am?!
WMCB (leaning closer to me, voice lowered): Is your boyfriend black?
Me: No, my HUSBAND is white. And well hung. Now will you kindly take my goddamned credit card so I can pay for my Magnums and get the fuck out of this god forsaken hell hole?

Her response to that was to ask Wal-Mart security to step over. "Security" turned out to be the little elderly man at the front door who was kind enough to shoot me a sympathetic look and ask me to pay for my purchases and be on my way, which I did as quickly as possible.

As I was walking out the door, I heard a spray bottle being pumped and the WMCB say, "Don't touch that yet, honey, she had condoms on it."

For the love of christ.

/rant

Genius In Disguise

2006-01-30T22:16:00.000-05:00

Today I had a client forget her name and yes, this would be the same client who decided to pop four (!!) Valium in our lobby and then drive herself home.

Pam* was unsure if her name was Pam or Patty but she was pretty sure it wasn't Susan. While I wish I was kidding, you just can't make this shit up, folks. Maybe it was all that Valium or could it be she's had one too many laser zaps to the head? Either way, girlfriend needs to get a clue.

I think there should be some law of physics that once a certain amount of stupidity clusters in one general area, spontaneous combustion occurs. Shit, my hometown would be wiped clean off the map and I'm not sure too many people would mind.

As a good friend would say: They're only alive because it is illegal to kill them.

*Names have been changed to protect the deficient.

Overheard

2006-01-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

Her: I think I'll leave a little landing strip...

Him: No, baby, really, get it all done

Her: You just want to pretend you're doing a twelve year old.

Him: No, I just don't need to floss twice a day.

Fateful twist of irony or ironic twist of fate?

2006-01-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Exactly ten months ago I met my husband at a car dealership when I was there with my boyfriend of two and a half years. He for the most part proposed that night.

The boyfriend, whom we'll call The Dirty Rascal, and I were living in Indiana and were tired of the midwest. We wanted to move somplace completely different and in the mean time, his parents were buying him a new car for graduation. While I was really pulling for the Audi and a move to Baltimore, eventually he won and we packed up the Volvo and moved to Charlotte.

When it came time for TDR's car to have the 7,500 mile maintenance done, we took it to our friendly Volvo dealership - maybe a little too friendly in TDR's opinion. After some lively conversation and a few secretive glances between Mr. L and myself, we finally decide to meet up at a local watering hole later that evening... and by we I mean the three of us.

After much drinking, Mr. L and I managed to steal a moment alone. At the same time he said, "Whatever commitment you need from me, you have it," I manged to ever so eloquently confess, "I haven't had sex in a really long time." Neither of us were disappointed in what the other had to say.

Somehow, through all the drama that ensued before, during, and after I left TDR, L and I have managed to have the most open, honest, and loving relationship. He's everything I've ever wanted and needed as well as everything I didn't even know I wanted or needed. He's a gentleman in every respect and yet still loves to play a good game of grab ass.

So, Mr. L, I love you dearly and while the circumstances that lead me to you weren't always what I had envisioned, you are everything I ever could have hoped for. Thank you for the most meaningful ten months of my life. Cheers to a thousand more.

Fire In the Hole

2006-01-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

So today I had the process of laser hair removal on my bikini. My full bikini. As Joelle at Snappy Hour would say: the Porn Star.

The front of the bikini area wasn't bad at all but the taint and rectal area... let's just say there's nothing anyone can do or tell you to prepare you for having your asshole lasered. And to be honest, I'm not sure which is worse: the actual procedure or having it performed by one of your coworkers.

But in a few short months and after only five treatments, I'll never have to shave or wax ever again. And that to me is totally worth the lasered ass feeling.

Fringe Benefits

2006-01-18T13:55:00.000-05:00

Apparently there were more benefits to dating a professional drinker in college than I was at first aware. To be fair, I would no longer classify my ex as a professional drinker but back in the day... yeeeeeeah.

Anyways, said ex and I moved to Charlotte together with all of our stuff and when things didn't work out a few months later, he moved back to the Midwest. While he didn't leave much more behind than my stuff and a dozen roses, one thing he did leave behind was a box marked "Bar Stuff." A cursory glance led me to assume it was nothing more than the ornamentation he used to adorn his bar and nothing more. I was a little hurt when he said he didn't want it back as some of the books and specialty pourers were gifts from me, but in the end it made little difference.

And so the box sat in my den, waiting for me to decide if I would place it in my attic or toss it to the curb to be picked up with the trash. I opened the box today to see if there was a blacklight in there (so I can find all of the cat piss locations) and found none other than a WASP-ish delight: liquor. And we're not talking just cheap stuff (although dude, McCormick vodka suuuuuuuucks) as there was also some fine selections of Bacardi, Smirnoff, and Cuervo.

So thanks, ex professional drinker boyfriend. Tonight, I drink to you.

Dear...

2006-01-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

Clients I had today:

How 'bout ya try not to be so fucking crazy.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

Ten things I know...

2006-01-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

...about why I am mad:

1. After a nice evening out on the town
2. Mr. L and I return home to a horrible smell
3. Radiating from our bedroom
4. From where "The Cat" pissed on our bed
5. And bedding, which cost a fortune
6. Which soaked through to the mattress
7. Which cost another small fortune
8. Kitty piss smells like ass
9. No, wait, make that bottled, week-old ass unleashed upon my tender nostrils
10. Kitty better get neutered before I do it myself

ps: I had a lot of bourbon with dinner

It's our own Animal Planet

2006-01-09T19:05:00.000-05:00

We have some new wildlife here at the House of R. Allow me to introduce you to Sri Swami Satchidananda:

We call him Satch for short because God knows I can barely say that sober let alone when drunk. Not that I'm a lush or anything, 'cause I'm totally not. Really, no, not me. Uh-uh.

Anyways. More pictures of Mr. Satch:

Isn't he adorable? Just wait until he gets neutered, then I will like him more.

More He Said, She Said

2006-01-07T18:46:00.000-05:00

Him: Ok, so I'm going to change into my pajamas and then we'll watch the second Star Wars.
Her: [dead fish eyes]
Him: I mean, we're going to sit around and tell each other how much we love each other.
Her: [dead fish eyes]
Him: I mean...
Her: What you mean is that I'm going to pick what we do tonight and you're going to pretend it was your idea all along.
Him: Exactly, that's what I was saying.

He Said, She Said

2006-01-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

Her: sweet
Her: finally!
Her: html is my bitch
Him: along with a long list of others. :-)

Ten Things I Know...

2006-01-04T18:39:00.000-05:00

...about being picked up in a coffee shop:

1. It's been done a hundred times already
2. This means you are not original
3. No matter how hard you try you cannot make 16 oz chai sound dirty
4. That means stop trying
5. Please
6. You're making my ears bleed
7. Ok, fine, now I have to use the "M" word
8. Dude, I said I was married, for crissakes
9. Yes, that means I am unavailable
10. 20 oz decaf latte girl doesn't want to date you, either, jackass

Enough hormones to kill a horse

2006-01-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

So while I may not technically be pregnant, I still have enough hormones in my body to supply three teenagers... and boys at that. Normally when my hormones spike I get all "don't fuck with me" but now I am "yes, please, fuck me, yes, you, anyone, fuck me."

Ok, maybe not anyone but at this point I think Mr. L is ready for a designated hitter to take over. Apparently yes, you can oversex a 26 year old male, especially if you have sex seven times in three days. The poor man cannot even come so you can imagine how serious the situation is.

I think we're getting to a point where L is afraid to fall asleep for fear of being attacked by the Post-Miscarriage Hormonal Woman from Hell™. I used to tease L that he would midnight stealth me in the middle of the night but oh, how the tables have turned.

Maybe he should start sleeping in one of these ...

Cheers

2006-01-01T10:09:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

Not sure if it's ironic or just plain stupid

2005-12-31T09:20:00.000-05:00

Mr. L loves Dairy Queen, especially the French Silk Dream Pie Blizzard. He probably makes a trip to DQ three to four times a week and as such, has become royalty at our local DQ.

Since L is now single-handedly keeping that store in business, the owner decided he would give L some sort of gift to thank him for his business. His choice? A pocketknife with DQ emblazoned on the side. While at first this may not seem of any significance, allow me to direct you to this article: Dairy Queen Workes Robbed at Knifepoint.

CHARLOTTE -- There was a line of customers out the door at the store on Prosperity Church Road when the robbery happened.

The two men robbed the workers inside at knifepoint as they served dozens of customers.

Police say the two men came in through a back door that was unlocked.

Several families were at the Dairy Queen hoping to get cool relief after a hot summer day.

And yes, that is the same store.

Doesn't this man know how dangerous my husband is with knives?!

Dear...

2005-12-26T20:01:00.000-05:00

Dick-Wad ER Nurse in Dover, DE who told me the miscarriage was my fault:

Blow me.

Hugs and kisses,

greeneyes

It's getting dusty in here

2005-12-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the long hiatus (you know, to the three people who actually read this), it's been a stressful few weeks. Allow me to give you a quick run down:

1. Quit Mega-Stressful Job from Hell™
2. Started new, less stressful job
3. Found out I was pregnant (despite being on birth control)
4. Had miscarriage
5. Parents come to town
6. Thanksgiving
7. Some how made it through Thanksgiving without strangling my mom (henceforth known as Da Momma)
8. Found out I was pregnant, again
9. Decide that husband has ultra-strong swimmers
10. Second miscarriage
11. Twenty-second birthday
12. Christmas

I have many things to blog about so keep an eye out for many entries to come!

From...

2005-12-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

Me and Mine to You and Yours:

A very merry Christmas, peace on earth, happy holidays, and all that jazz.

greeneyes

ps: And if you are wondering why there is no star or angel on our tree... let's just say there was a slight disagreement in Hobby Lobby and we ended up with nothing.

Sweet!

2005-12-10T09:08:00.000-05:00

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

My blog is priceless!

[Stolen from the ever-lovely Region Broad from for-fucking-ever ago.]

I've been a bad, bad blogger

2005-12-09T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've got a pile of rants coming, I promise... I just can't seem to ever catch up with all this bloody work!

Mr. L wants to see a movie tonight, I'm baking cookies with the mum-in-law all day tomorrow, and Sunday is the All Day Laundry Day from Hell™ so it could be a few days until you get your updates.

*hangs head*

Take your shirt off and twist it 'round yo head

2005-11-30T18:30:00.000-05:00

Apparently I've been living in Nof' Carolina this whole time and I wasn't even aware!

Mr. L and I met with the recruiter today and turns out her first language was not English but Ebonics... and this woman was a Technical Sergeant. Her assistant, a Senior Airman, was too busy playing on her T-Mobile Sidekick to pay attention to anything else going on.

At one point during the discussing, (after "axing" us many questions) Tsgt Haynes stopped to check her job description online and then still wasn't able to obtain an answer for us.

I guess you could say Mr. L and I aren't that worrried about whether or not he will be a competitive candidate.

Going to the chapel

2005-11-29T22:45:00.000-05:00

Per your request, here is the link for my wedding album:

mrsramseur
password: guest

Enjoy!

They told me to tell her that he was wrong

2005-11-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to say it: I hate pronouns.

Ok, maybe I don't hate prounouns as a whole, I just hate when they are misused. If you have not already identified the noun, it is NOT ok to use a pronoun. I am inundated with this at work and it drives me up the freaking wall. "She told me to tell you he can't fix that." Who is "she"? Who is "he"? What is "that"?! Must stop twitching... ARGH!!

I think my all-time most-hated misuse is "they." The front office coordinator is constantly telling clients that "they" make the rules and "they" decided on refunds. Who is "they"? "Corporate" is her response. Who at corporate? "Someone." Surely they must have a name or perhaps an extension where I can reach "them."

Make. it. stop.

/rant

I've always had a slight uniform fetish...

2005-11-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

Mr. L is thinking of joining the Air Force.

It's almost scary to read that, let alone say it out loud. I have to admit I never thought he was the type who would be interested but apparently even I am wrong from time to time. Of course considering that I was in and then out, both of my parents were in and my mom still is, I suppose it's nothing surprising... but still I am a bit in shock.

More updates as I get them.

In other news, I bought a drop-dead sexy dress for a social event:

Photo courtesy of: www.groupusa.com

Except I don't look as sedated.

A gobble gobble here and a gobble gobble there...

2005-11-24T08:29:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving! Today I give thanks for the beautiful man in the picture below:

Overheard

2005-11-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

Her: We're not getting ice cream truffles if my parents can't have english muffins.

Him: Fine. Your parents are only here for one weekend but those sons a bitches will always be there.

Cosmo Girl

2005-11-20T12:29:00.000-05:00

After having waaay too many cocktails and sufficiently becoming drunk off my ass, my husband would not leave the restaurant until he received his free dessert.

That is until I threatened to puke in his car... then you've never seen a man exit a building quicker.

Be ye not an anonymous commenter

2005-11-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Anonymous Commenter:

Perhaps you are not versed in the ways of the commenting of the blog so allow me to edify you: anonymous comments are tacky and also gives one the air of being testical-less.

Also, when making snarky comments it would be wise to at least try to form grammatically correct sentences... especially considering we're only talking about one here for god's sake. "Less inside jokes"? Child, please. I have been called a grammar whore before, so don't think I won't call you out on errors because oh HELL YES I will, especially if you are being an ass.

Please also allow me to remind you that this is my fucking blog and I'll post whatever I want. If I want to post about the color and consistency of this mornings urine, I damn well will. If you find it "boring," click the back button and move on with life. And if you are too lazy to do that, you can always buy one of these nifty keyboards that has a back button built into it. Problem solved.

The moral of the story is: don't be a goddamned ass.

Hugs and Kisses,

greeneyes

He said, She said

2005-11-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

her: what self-respecting WOMAN calls her period Aunt Flow?
her: pre-teen? yes
her: teenager? maaaybe
her: woman? give me a break
him: ?
her: I'm on this pregnancy forum
him: ah...
her: and everyone calls it Aunt Flow
him: just one of those inside joke/cliche things i suppose.
her: I just want to post: GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK ALREADY!!
her: but there is no swearing allowed, lol
him: so i guess you might say that L shot and killed her, huh? :-)
her: LOL
her: well, that has yet to be determined
him: true... but if he did, it'll be awful hard to ditch the murder weapon. :-P

And just so you don't freak out, no, I am not trying to get pregnant.

Apparently I've sprouted hips

2005-11-12T15:22:00.000-05:00

So I've finally caved and have begun to ~~clean~~ unpack my house. Whilst unpacking, I came across a box of things I had purchased and for one reason or another didn't work out. I had always planned on auctioning said items on eBay but had just never gotten around to it.

In the box were a pair of breeches I purchased in July 2004 online that ended up being the wrong waist cut for me. You see, I used to be straight as a board with no hips whatsoever. Riding apparel companies try to make people like that feel better by labeling breeches with no hips "modest cut." People with normal hips were "regular cut" and people with hips were "hourglass cut." Somehow I had received a pair of "hourglass cut" breeches and when I put them on, my nonexistant hips swam in fabric. Obviously this was not the look I was going for. God only knows why I didn't return them considering the price, but I threw them in the eBay box to be auctioned.

I'm not sure what possessed me, but I threw those bad boys on today and they fit like a glove. I stood in front of my mirror in total disbelief and asked, "Where the hell did those come from?!"

Eventually, there will be updates...

2005-11-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

...but not quite yet. The past week has been filled with new jobs, flat tires, broken glasses, and negative pregnancy tests, oh my!

Updates soon, I promise! But in the meantime, behold the cuteness that is my dog, Cami. She recently had a birthday and is now a year old.

Mrs. Clean I am not

2005-11-04T16:39:00.000-05:00

I have got to get in the cleaning mode. Ok, correction: I have got to get into the unpacking mode. Mr. L and I have lived in the new house for just over a month and I still am only 50% unpacked. You would think with all the time off I had this week I would unpack but noooo, I was lazy instead and watched too much E! True Hollywood Story.

Damn that show, damn it for being so addictive.

I think the problem is that the unpacked boxes are easy to ignore... we've strategically located them to the three rooms we use the least: the den and the two spare bedrooms. What I need to do is start moving them out into the middle of the hallway for me to trip and curse over twenty times.

Hopefully I will get my act together and have everything unpacked before Thanksgiving. Holy god my mom would flip her shit if she saw all of this.

Vacation

2005-11-01T14:28:00.000-05:00

I am no longer an employee of SunTrust Banks, Inc and very soon will no longer be a client of theirs, either.

With my new job not starting until next Monday and SunTrust still having to pay me through this week, it is my absolute pleasure to take this time to do nothing but revel in my departure.

Good luck with the strung-out, drug-addicted prostitute you have as a branch manager, SunTrust... you'll need it!

More dealings with the devil

2005-10-28T18:23:00.000-05:00

Quick backstory:

I find out today that my boss redirected almost a half million dollars in loan business that I had brought in to not only a different employee but a different branch altogether. You see, I'm covering at a branch which is not my regular branch therefore any business I do out there is attributed to that branch. My boss doctored the loan files to reflect origination from HER branch and HER FSR (Financial Services Rep).

Somehow I mananged to send an e-mail that didn't completely reflect my immense amount of disgust:

Ms. [name removed]:

It has recently come to my attention that the above referenced HELOC that I keyed in and originated was recently transferred from my name and employee number to [employee's name removed] by you.

It has also come to my attention that you have been contacting my client and “apologizing for [greeneyes] dropping the ball” on his loan and informing him that “[greeneyes] has left the bank”.

Allow me to remind you that I most certainly do still work for this bank and in no way, shape, or form have I dropped the ball with this client. In fact, I have been working very hard and diligently on this loan as well as the relationship with this client, a relationship which I have been cultivating for months. It is hardly fair to roguely decide that another employee at a completely different branch should receive credit for the immense amount of hard work I have put forth.

Not only is it unfair, it is unethical as well. Please allow me to remind you that the following is found in the [Bank's name removed] Code of Business Conduct and Ethics, which every employee is given at the time of their hire:

"The books, records, and accounts of [banks' name removed] must accurately and fairly reflect the company's transactions and operations."

I have since corrected your flagrant act and changed the loan to correctly reflect both my name and cost center. Your actions are an example of blatant disregard for ethical and professional behavior and I want to assure you that this is not the last time we will be discussing this subject.

The kicker is, since she didn't bother to show up for work today, it may be awhile before she receives and responds.

/rant

Genius in Disguise

2005-10-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

"What day is today?"

"Tuesday, the 25th."

"I mean the whole thing... what month is it?"

"Um, October."

"Is it still 2005?"

"Yes, sir, it is October 25th, 2005."

"Month ten?"

"Are you being serious or just yanking my chain?"

"People like me aren't concerned with dates so we lose track of time easily."

"People like who?"

"Computer programmers."

"Really, I never would have guessed. Kind of explains Y2K, huh?"

Excerpts

2005-10-23T17:43:00.000-05:00

This is from a letter I received from a client (it should be noted that said client, when he was declined a loan, wrote on the walls of the bathroom in my branch IN HIS OWN FECES that I was a bitch):

I have TRIED to borrow money. According to my record, the prospective lenders ALL X SAY NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yester day I saw [name removed] XX at [business name removed], at [address removed]. I told her that I was recently ROBBED of OVER $200.00. This money, once I press charges will be RETURNED TO ME. The CULPRET will be VERY MAD AT ME!!!!!!!!! I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!! YES INDEED, I AM AFRAID HE WILL TRY TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What MUST BE DONE.

Later on he goes on to tell me about how he tries to form relationships with children:

I talk to BOYS (but they do not come back). So, NOW I WILL TRY TO TALK WITH GIRLS. I will now talk with girls. I will talk about what the past 20 years holds for us. The next 1 to 3 years will be the END OF CIVILIXATION (as we perceive it). Pat will tell us OVER THE NEXT little time (the 700 CLUB) will bring us up to date &explain to millions of women (who are listening to him) the rapid realization of what is going to happen to ALL OF US!!!!!!!!!!

But hey, at least I got my own write up on the bathroom wall.

Take your unprofessional bullshit and shove it

2005-10-22T16:06:00.000-05:00

I don't understand how in the world of corporate business the incompetent, unprofessional morons seem to flourish. How is it that a grown woman of thirty-two who dresses like a prostitute with her tits hanging out, can't spell to save her life, acts like she's never been taught grammar, and e-mails colleagues shitty-ass e-mails about how they are worthless never gets fired? I mean really, how does upper management see this as a good business practice?

On the other hand, she is a shinging example of what you can get a way with. Just think of what I could aspire to be: an unprofessional bitch who comes in hungover at 11:30 (if she bothers to show up at all), leaves at 2:30, tells clients they are taking up all of her time, treats staff members like they are the lowest of the lowest class, and makes $60,000 a year.

This woman gives women in business a bad name. Quite honestly, I would rather work for all men any day... and I'm a woman! There, I've said it, now let the stoning commence.

/rant

Gangsta Barbie Bitch

2005-10-19T18:56:00.000-05:00

Bridget and I met in junior high which proved to be one of the most awkward and confusing times in my life. I had just moved to Indiana from Chicago where I attended a grade school with classes the size of the sum of all students in the junior and senior high school I was now attending. I quickly learned that in a small town, everyone knows everything.

At thirteen you hardly know who you are, let alone who you want to hang out with and be friends. Everyone is trying to fit in and be "cool" and yet no one can define "cool." Bridget wasn't cool or punk or preppy or right or wrong. Bridget was Bridget. She was also one of the few people who talked to the new girl from Chicago - which may or may not have played a part in us being friends. ;-)

As the years passed, we grew up, we grew closer, we grew apart, we made midnight drive-bys at the homes of girls who caused our boyfriends to break up with us and break our hearts, we lived together but most importantly we always had each other. Now that I've moved and married and life seems to be going at warp speed, I sometimes find myself lost in thought over the simpler days. The days of being young and foolish but always having that best friend to pull you through anything.

To the woman who has been through it all and put up with it all, happiest of birthdays, my love. And Fidel Castro so totally wants a piece of your hot ass.

Ten Things I Know...

2005-10-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

...about my husband:

1. He is one of the most generous, caring people I know
2. But that doesn't mean he can't annoy the hell out of me
3. It doesn't matter what you are talking about, he will always be distracted by two things: Anything Volvo related and cycling
4. His eyes light up like a kid with candy at Christmas if you say the words "blow job" or "shaved pussy"
5. You can trust him with any secret
6. Just not knives
7. He is an excellent cook
8. But my god, the man could out-spice Emeril
9. He likes fire and almost burnt down his house... on our third date
10. He adores the bejesus out of me

Turns out...

2005-10-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

...NASCAR is pretty much the same in person as it is on TV, except for the whole drunken, hillbilly factor.

A bunch of cars go around a bunch of times on a track owned by people with a bunch of money. The end.

Oh, and as a little FYI from me to you, if you see a man dressed like a cop standing around with other men dressed as cops, they are not cops. They are ~~lazy assholes~~ off-duty police officers and for god's sake Tony Stewart just took the lead and no, they will not assist you with the drunkard spewing beer everywhere.

/rant

And they're off!

2005-10-15T15:36:00.000-05:00

Or do they only say that in horse racing?

Either way, apparently I am to attend my first NASCAR race tonight. I'm not sure I've spent enough time in the sun burning the back of my neck for this but perhaps there could be some enjoyment.

The husband, henceforth known as L, asked me if I owned any earplugs... uh, yes I do, let me pull them out of my ass. Though considering my boss, perhaps they wouldn't be a bad investment.

Details at eleven!

The Toeless Wonder

2005-10-14T19:54:00.000-05:00

Note to self - do not let husband play with knives.

Time to go clean up blood, the perfect precursor to dinner.

Whiz-bang

2005-10-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

What's better than working nine hours on your feet with no lunch only to leave your one office, drive in thirty minutes of rush hour traffic, arrive at your second office and work another two hours before finally heading to a fast-food restaurant for that healthy delicious meal you've been craving all day?

The asswipe in the gold minivan with no less than eight "Support Our Troops" ribbons/stickers/blatant propoganda who can't merge to save her life let alone drive the speed limit. The fantastic thing about this country is that it's free, so rock on with your bad self and all your adhesive, clingy shit things but for god's sake if you are going to bring so much attention to your car's ass then learn how to drive.

/rant

Wham, bam, thank you ma'am!

2005-10-13T19:37:00.000-05:00

What is up with women and the word "ma'am"? Three times today - count them, THREE! - I was told by a woman that it is "disrespectful" (well, technically one of them told me it was "irrespectful" but whatever) to call her ma'am. Disrespectful? When did this happen? I was raised to be a lady and that included the phrases "no, ma'am," "yes, ma'am," "no, sir," and, my father's favorite, "yes, sir." Please excuse my upbringing if I dare be so "irrespectful" in public to you, your highness.

You know, I could call you a cuntrag and then everyone would feel disrespected. Great, now I've used the c-word... there went that lady-like upbringing.

/rant